For those about to debate ...

Well, here I am ... I know, I've been a stranger, and I apologize for that.

The funeral went well - I liked that it was more of a celebration of his life, rather than mourning.

Thank you all for the prayers, good thoughts and hugs - that really carried me through a very rough situation.
:-)



Now, this coming Monday, I will be going home for Christmas. It's nice to be going back home, under better and happier circumstances.


So, how are y'all doing? What do you have planned for the holidays?

It happened tonight, at 8:30 p.m. Central Time. My mom was there with him, when it happened.

He put up a hell of a fight - standing at death's door so many times over, only to come back again and again.

This time, the fight was too much and his body finally surrendered.


My mom said that she felt so much relief when he passed on, such a weight lifted off her shoulders.

I know that he's so much better off, as morbid as it sounds.

No more suffering and pain for him. No more dreading the ringing of my phone, sitting on edge, wondering when the call would come.


I love you Daddy ... and I miss you already.

Okay, so it's been a while since I've posted anything ... I wish that I could say that I was running around, doing all kinds of crazy and fun things, but alas, this is not the case.

Instead, I was dealing with a major family crisis - my stepdad had a heart attack last week, coded twice in the ER, and was pretty much gone for about 8 minutes. Needless to say, things did not look good at all, and I had to prepare myself for the possibility of flying out to St. Louis ASAP to attend a funeral. My mom was prepared to talk with the doctors about taking him off dialysis, the whole nine yards. (When my stepdad had gotten sick, he'd expressed to my mom that he didn't want to be a "vegetable" - and that if it reached that point, pull the plug.)

This week, things are looking a tiny bit better. My stepdad was moved from the ICU to Acute Care (the step-down unit), he is making attempts to breathe on his own, to where he is being weaned off the ventilator. Also, when a nurse had tried to take his temperature, he'd bitten down on the thermometer. My mom doesn't have to make the decision at this time on when "enough is enough" ... one of the doctors advised her that it's too early to make that decision.


Then, on Saturday night, Kellie and I had attended a Halloween party at a co-worker's house (one of her co-workers) - I had fun ... until we were leaving, and I'd slipped and fell on wet steps (dry ice *does* become water pretty quickly ... and that condensation is a real bitch)! At first, I thought that I'd mis-stepped, and wound up landing on my right side, with my elbow in a bowl of former dry ice. So, I'm bruised pretty badly - my arm looks like I'd been beaten, my side is that lovely red-purple, and a bit swollen, and my knee is bruised and banged up. Oh yeah, and my shoulder, which had finally recovered after physical therapy? Yeah ... kinda re-fucked it up. Kellie's co-worker, and his partner, were so worried about the incident, that he (the co-worker) was afraid that I'd hate him! No ... not at all. I know that it was entirely unintentional, and I'm not a malicious person *at all*.

Besides, working in insurance, I've seen how claims for liability (especially bodily injury) can really fuck up the policy. And I'm not gonna put anyone through that sort of thing.

It's a beautiful day for fans of The State ... all two or three of us. The first season of The State is available on iTunes now! :-)

And if you've never seen the show ... it's a shame, because you missed an absolutely warped program. Fans of Reno 911!, Best Week Ever and Stella may recognize a few of the cast members (Thomas Lennon, Kerri Kenney, Robert Ben Garant and Michael Patrick Jann on Reno 911!; Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter and David Wain from Stella; and Michael Ian Black & David Wain as commentators on various VH1 programs - including Best Week Ever) And the summer camp film, Wet Hot American Summer? Yeah, more of The State cast members in that one!


Okay, I'll shut up now. Besides - I want to watch another episode or two before Project Runway!

{Transcribed from an entry written earlier in the night - in a notebook}

I'm at one of the neighborhood laundromats - one that's about two-ish blocks from home, and fairly busy for a Monday night, so I don't feel uncomfortable being here. Kellie says that laundromats are depressing places, and I disagree. To me, it's a good place to go - to get those seventeen loads of laundry (major exaggeration, I promise) done at one time, and think ... or read the cheesy tabloids left behind by fellow launderers.

When I lived in St. Louis, and had to go to the laundromat in a neighborhood that was considered sketchy (it didn't bother me) - one that I lived in, no less! - I would bring a psychiatry book with me, because it seemed like no one would fuck with *anyone* reading a book with "Psychiatry" in the title. Probably thought I had several screws loose or something.

Besides, the sounds of the washers and dryers can be almost relaxing. And did I mention that as a kid, I used to love the scent of those Bounce dryer sheets - while they were being used in the dryer? Yeah ... I'd play outside, near the dryer vent, just to smell the Bounce. It was like we were huffing Bounce or something ... crazy kids.

Clothes fresh out of the dryer, all nice and warm? Love! I swear to God, and Everyone Else, I don't have a laundry fetish or anything. Really, I don't. But, who doesn't love the feel of their clothes just out of the dryer?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some clothes to retrieve from the dryer. :)


p.s. from home: The bitch about the laundromat is coming home. Carrying an insane amount of laundry (probably 25 - 30 lbs, easily) strapped across my back, walking uphill, feeling like the White Girl version of a Diego Rivera painting or something.

Time to unleash the inner "Saddoes", as Blender magazine refers to Emo kids.

My gay television boyfriend, Kayne (alias "Kaynebow") Gillespie, has been auf-ed tonight. And he even turned down The Pageant Show Gay several notches, dammit!

But, I still love him ... he's up there on my Project Runway Gay Boyfriend List with Nick (Uncle Nick) Verreos and Jay McCarroll ... Jay, who is *finally* presenting a runway show this week!!


So, I will continue to cheer for Michael Knight - he is wickedly funny, very talented and plays quite well with scissors. ;)

Dear Epilepsy Foundation of Northern California:

If you're going to have events about living with epilepsy (e.g.; The Living With Epilepsy conference at Stanford University), how about providing some information on mass transit options for those of us epileptics that can't/ don't drive? I'd love to attend ... but I'm not going to leave my house at 4 a.m., just to get 90% of the way to the conference that starts at 8 a.m.

Yeah, yeah ... it's convenient for you, because your office is located in that area ... but quite inconvenient for the people that you are supposed to be helping, dammit!

Same goes for that Stroll For Epilepsy. I'd love to do that - but again, totally inaccessible for someone that prefers to not endanger others by putting her epileptic self behind the wheel of a car.

Fuckers.

No Love,

Carly

---

Speaking of epilepsy, I'm kind of glad that I'd made the decision to not drive ... I was perilously close to 6 months seizure-free, only to have one on Saturday. A minor one, but a seizure all the same. As I've probably mentioned before, that decision (no driving) was a very hard one for me - especially when I lived in St. Louis, which tends to be a rather car-dependent town. Thankfully, San Francisco is more transit-friendly, and I do have more of a sense of independence here.

Do I wish that I could drive? Yes, sometimes I do - I'd love to be able to putter around town on a Vespa, or experience the freedom of driving a car. But, I know that I'd be putting myself and others at risk - something I'd known long before I became an Insurance Geek. And I can't bear to have my conscience weighed down with the knowledge that I caused a major accident out of my (perceived) selfishness and stubborn-ness.

---

Finally, the doctors and other people within the Epilepsy community that refer to people such as myself as "people with epilepsy" ... I want to just slug them. I am epileptic. It took me half my life to own up to that, to accept that as my reality - and I don't need and/or want someone to come along and try to be all PC about my epilepsy. Don't kiss my ass, be apologetic about my "disorder", or treat me with kid gloves because I have to take three different medications to keep my seizures under control. Just treat me like a human being - make the epilepsy something that is secondary, or tertiary, about me. File it behind "slightly nerdy and geeky"; "small-time country music fan"; whatever. The condition is there - but does not define me.

That jaw pain I'd mentioned a few days ago? It didn't go away, despite considerable amounts of Advil and wearing my night guard again.

Apparently, it's called "clenching my jaw in my sleep - and stressors I was oblivious to, reaching a breaking point." And here I was, thinking that all was fine and dandy, no worries ... but my subconscious apparently had a different agenda. :-/


So, when I went to the internist on Thursday, I mentioned it to her - as well as tellling her that I would go to the dentist about it - and ended up being given a prescription for Valium - at a small dose (5 mg) to be taken as a muscle relaxer, up to 4 times a day.

Well, I've taken "mother's little helper" a couple of times - and it seems like the only muscle relaxing it does is help me sleep, thus keeping my mind off my pain. Thankfully, I don't have to work tomorrow, so if I take it during the day and fall asleep mid-afternoon, no big deal.


Now, I just have to call the dentist on Tuesday, and find out what she'll have to say. In the meantime, it's more Advil, alternating between ice packs and warm compresses, and the occasional Valium.

About a week ago, while walking home from the bus after work, I decided to do some variation of the splits on the sidewalk, in a pair of kind of slick-soled shoes. Needless to say, the road rash on my knee has healed very nicely - but my foot is another story. Still hurts like all hell, and it's all nicely swollen. :-/ So, I'm writing this entry while my foot is propped up and iced, and it's a nice little distraction from the pain. (Also a nice distraction is Advil. Lots of Advil.)


I'm officially a major-league nerd. WIRED magazine had a most excellent How-To guide in their August issue (cover geek: Stephen Colbert sawing into a video iPod), with information on how to be an expert on anything, turn your heavy-duty paper shredder into a pasta machine ... and even how to prepare for calamity. (Your insurance agent - not just me - will love you for it.) And yes, the preparing for calamity part was one of my favorites - although I loved Alton Brown's idea for the pasta machine, too.


Now, onto something more fun: my Cool Tunes recommendations. Pretty much everything listed here can be found on iTunes, or probably any other file-sharing program. And if you have any ideas/recommendations - let me know!
:-)

( Cool )

Hey flipflopadd1ct - here's a little something to satisfy your Jake Gyllenhaal crush! Jake Gyllenhaal goodness on Faded Youth.com

And this is good for anyone else - not just him! :-) {I will admit that when I hear Jake's name, I immediately think of Fred Armisen and Bill Hader on SNL singing "Urgent (Jake Gyllenhaal)" Good times.}