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You know, I tried the whole religion thing for several months. I did enjoy it - especially since I was in a queer friendly church. But, unfortunately, my bad experience with religion kept rearing its ugly head, and any time I began to comtemplate the idea that contrary to what many would say, G*d loves me as I am, I'd just fucking lose it.

Don't get me wrong. I still believe that there is a G*d - male, female, Flying Spaghetti Monster - and that I am loved, no matter what. I have to constantly remind myself of that, since I grew up in a faith that tended towards being sexist and homophobic (and for a long time, racist).

Being made to feel like I was a bad person for being single well into my 20s, with well-intended friends trying to set me up with their single friends and/or relatives. Because of this, I felt like I was doing something wrong, since I saw women that were teenaged mothers getting married in their 20s - how come they could meet somene and get married? What about me?

Never feeling like I belonged - that I was just *there*, taking up space, filling a spot in a pew.

Just not getting the whole premise of the faith.

Having heard stories of friends being made to feel like horrible people for having mental illnesses - for the record, telling a depressive that they're "not strong enough spiritually" or "that they should pray harder", does *not* work and only makes matters much worse.

Trying so damned hard to be straight, to conform to what others expected of me, unable to find a confidante to discuss the frustration of being queer and not being able to tell anyone, for fear of being disowned by my family.

Yeah, definitely not a happy place there.


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January 2017



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