That whole religion thing

You know, I tried the whole religion thing for several months. I did enjoy it - especially since I was in a queer friendly church. But, unfortunately, my bad experience with religion kept rearing its ugly head, and any time I began to comtemplate the idea that contrary to what many would say, G*d loves me as I am, I'd just fucking lose it.

Don't get me wrong. I still believe that there is a G*d - male, female, Flying Spaghetti Monster - and that I am loved, no matter what. I have to constantly remind myself of that, since I grew up in a faith that tended towards being sexist and homophobic (and for a long time, racist).

Being made to feel like I was a bad person for being single well into my 20s, with well-intended friends trying to set me up with their single friends and/or relatives. Because of this, I felt like I was doing something wrong, since I saw women that were teenaged mothers getting married in their 20s - how come they could meet somene and get married? What about me?

Never feeling like I belonged - that I was just *there*, taking up space, filling a spot in a pew.

Just not getting the whole premise of the faith.

Having heard stories of friends being made to feel like horrible people for having mental illnesses - for the record, telling a depressive that they're "not strong enough spiritually" or "that they should pray harder", does *not* work and only makes matters much worse.

Trying so damned hard to be straight, to conform to what others expected of me, unable to find a confidante to discuss the frustration of being queer and not being able to tell anyone, for fear of being disowned by my family.


Yeah, definitely not a happy place there.

Parents on my list - please don't hate me!

misfitmormon">I've kind of edited the hell out of this, as much of it isn't applicable to me, but it does convey some of my feelings.


Imagine being told, "You have to be an accountant." You reply, "But I don't want to be an accountant. It's not something I'm interested in." But you're constantly told from every side, "You have to be an accountant. What, are you denying your womanhood? Are you ignoring your divine role? God wants you to be an accountant!" In despair, you keep saying, "But I don't like math, I don't want to be an accountant, I don't want to be trapped in a job I hate..."

That's how I feel with motherhood.

Here's a quote from Ardeth G. Kapp in an old Ensign magazine.

My whole soul cried out, "Dear God, if I’m not a mother, what am I?"

A PERSON! A child does not define a woman! I'm sorry, but every time I hear something like this, it upsets and aggravates me. If you're not a mother then you're a daughter, a wife, a sister, an aunt, a friend. I don't like to be told that I have no sense of self if I'm not a mother. That I'm not "complete." I am complete.



I love children very much, please don't get me wrong. I just know that I'm not fit to be a mother - my temper is not a strong suit of mine. And don't get me started on health issues that would keep me from getting pregnant.

It's much easier for me to deal with other people's children, since I can play with them, love them - and then hand them back after a while.

I'm looking forward to being the "cool" aunt. The one that gives my neices and nephews Vans baby shoes; A onesie that says "I Love My Aunties"; Ramones and AC/DC onesies; CDs of Pink Floyd songs done lullabye style. Letting them hang out in their PJs all morning, watching cartoons. Eat cereal for dinner. Take them to their first concerts. Watch Pixar films with them. Be that cool aunt that lives in San Francisco.

To the parents reading this, I admire and respect you. You have a hard job with raising a family - and you're doing damn good at it.

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I know, I'm on a bit of a roll here, aren't I?

Well, I do have some good news. The dental anxiety I was experiencing last week? It's finally passed. Probably because I'm a few days away from getting the permanent crowns done - and I've kind of given up on obsessing over my teeth.

Tonight, I'm getting my hair re-trimmed. As much as I like my new stylist (a fellow midwest ex-pat), he gave me a bit of a lopsided cut. So, I'm going to get that taken care of.

Caturday Saturday morning, I get the color done. Then, I'm going to a BBQ at a friend's place in the afternoon, and Dyke March in the evening. Some hot chicks on their Harley-Davidsons? Totally worth the insane crowds. Okay, so it's that, and the cute gay boys that bring their dogs.


So, that's about all for now. If I'm feeling prolific tonight, I'll probably post again.

Until then - have a good evening, my lovelies. :-D