Parents on my list - please don't hate me!

[hiddenmuse]

misfitmormon">I've kind of edited the hell out of this, as much of it isn't applicable to me, but it does convey some of my feelings.


Imagine being told, "You have to be an accountant." You reply, "But I don't want to be an accountant. It's not something I'm interested in." But you're constantly told from every side, "You have to be an accountant. What, are you denying your womanhood? Are you ignoring your divine role? God wants you to be an accountant!" In despair, you keep saying, "But I don't like math, I don't want to be an accountant, I don't want to be trapped in a job I hate..."

That's how I feel with motherhood.

Here's a quote from Ardeth G. Kapp in an old Ensign magazine.

My whole soul cried out, "Dear God, if I’m not a mother, what am I?"

A PERSON! A child does not define a woman! I'm sorry, but every time I hear something like this, it upsets and aggravates me. If you're not a mother then you're a daughter, a wife, a sister, an aunt, a friend. I don't like to be told that I have no sense of self if I'm not a mother. That I'm not "complete." I am complete.



I love children very much, please don't get me wrong. I just know that I'm not fit to be a mother - my temper is not a strong suit of mine. And don't get me started on health issues that would keep me from getting pregnant.

It's much easier for me to deal with other people's children, since I can play with them, love them - and then hand them back after a while.

I'm looking forward to being the "cool" aunt. The one that gives my neices and nephews Vans baby shoes; A onesie that says "I Love My Aunties"; Ramones and AC/DC onesies; CDs of Pink Floyd songs done lullabye style. Letting them hang out in their PJs all morning, watching cartoons. Eat cereal for dinner. Take them to their first concerts. Watch Pixar films with them. Be that cool aunt that lives in San Francisco.

To the parents reading this, I admire and respect you. You have a hard job with raising a family - and you're doing damn good at it.

Comments

[gardengnomegeek.livejournal.com]

You don't have to apologize to parents for not wanting kids. Just because I have kids does not mean I feel that everybody in the whole world should have them too!. Different strokes for different folks. I like Fall Out Boy and I don't expect the whole world to like them. I like the colour orange and I don't expect the whole world to like it as much as I do, so I don't expect everybody to have kids either.

I cannot imagine much worse than a child being born into a family that didn't want them...but had them because they felt they had to.

And the part about a child defining a woman...why do people feel Moms feel that way?????? My kids are part of my life and a huge part of my life, but they are not all that I am. Emma once referred to her bedtime as "when Mommy and Daddy stop being Mommy and Daddy and start being Susan and Kevin!" If Emma can grasp it at 3...I really think more people should be able to get it!

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

You definitely have a point there. Also, it would be kind of boring if we all did the exact same things!

The part about a child defining a woman - that was said by a woman in the Mormon church. People in the church tend to have this warped idea that women are not complete unless they have children - and lots of them, please. This really leaves women that are unmarried, infertile or do not have children for other reasons, feeling like they're bad people - like they've done something wrong.

I love Emma - she's an adorable, intelligent girl! I agree - if she can get it, why can't anyone else?

[gardengnomegeek.livejournal.com]

Leave it to a church to try to give people a warped view of what a woman is. Very healthy!

Not only does it leave women who don't want or can't have children feeling bad, it might force some who don't want them to have them anyway...and that is just wrong.

Thanks for your sweet comments about Emma!

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :-)

Yeah - religion is good at putting the "you're not complete as a woman unless you're a mother idea into women's heads". Last time I checked, I thought that being an adult female made someone a woman. *shrugs*

[kathykat.livejournal.com]

oh Lord...I HATE kids sometimes!! *wink* and you will be a wonderful cool auntie!!!


:)

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

Heh - I'm sure that there are parents that feel like some days, they really hate kids!

And thank you! Kellie and I are getting practice via a friend of ours - he and his wife had their first baby about 2 months ago, and he'd appointed us as her aunts, "with all the privileges and responsibility that goes along with it" - in his words.

[becky11.livejournal.com]

I'm a mom and sometimes I don't like being a mom, or I don't want to be a mom, and I certainly don't FEEL like a mom.

Kaylee was an accident, or "blessing" would probably be the more politically correct term. I didn't plan for her and I never did. But I love her with all my heart. I was a woman before she came along and I'm still one now that she's here.

I actually applaud women that recognize that kids just aren't for them. Of course, if my mom actually admitted it BEFORE having kids, then I wouldn't be here right now.

Regardless, NEVER apologize for how you feel. You are the COOLEST!!! I would love it if Kaylee had you for a cool aunt!! :)

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I've heard stories from friends whose moms didn't want kids - but obviously had them anyways - and some of them told me about being reminded by their moms that they could've done so much, or that they did so much, without the kids in their lives.

Hearing that just made me so sad - if a parent feels that way, why lord it over your kid(s)? It just wrecks them emotionally.


I was a bit of a "happy accident" myself - my parents wanted kids, but they were barely 2 years into their marriage when I was born! For years, my nickname was "boo-boo". ;-)

[mom-o-cass.livejournal.com]

being a mother is one of the hardest things i have ever done, and i'm still surprised that i am one. i never thought i would actually want one! but i know that even if i did not have Cass i would still be a happy and strong woman. I did not need to be a mom to be who i am. and i certainly did not have to have a baby to be complete. that's something i had to find within myself.

i have many friends who don't wish to have children and i really respect that. one of my best friends had a mother who constantly reminded her how her birth ruined her mom's life. i support anyone who does not want a child - it's a choice i really respect.

thank you for your post. it adds to the reasons why i think you pretty much rock.

Jenne