(no subject)

[hiddenmuse]

Right now, I'm scared.

No, there isn't some nefarious creature lurking under my bed, waiting to steal my soul. Nor is there a closet monster wanting to scare the bejesus out of me. This is even worse.

I'm afraid of something good. This weekend, I've felt like I don't want to continue with OA, like I don't want to lose weight or work on my overeating.

It bothers me because I want to keep myself held back. I don't want to let go of my security blanket - which is what my fat has become. It's shielded me from having to deal with unwelcome advances, or having to be up-front and out there in the world.

Being fat, I can just hide away. No one wants to be around a fat girl - unless they just want to fuck you. It lets me continue to be comfortably antisocial, happily passive-aggressive.

To not be fat means that I'm exposed. I'm vulnerable. I'd have to give in and not hide away anymore. I'd have to deal in the messiness that is romantic relationships.

There are some nights that I really, truly need to be at those OA meetings. Tonight is definitely one of those nights.

Comments

*tear*

[ex-curbsidep367.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel. I've always been the fat/queer/tomboy kid with glasses and soon that's going to all change and it almost scares me, too. I'm getting contects this Saturday (if we're not snowed in, *grumble*) be'cos I don't want my glasses to be an issue while I'm on stage. My glasses, since I kinda fashioned them after Drew Carey *who is someone I look up to at times*, are a big part of my personality. My friends have told me that I hold a lot of my character in my physical apperance and I'm almost sad to see them go, but after 10 years I think it's time. And with my weight, I just need to lose it. It's so unhealthy, but after a while it was something that made me more approachable to the right kinda people. The people that I knew would be true friends 'cos everyone else had always judged me on that *assholes :P*. So, in High School I've grown occustom(sp?) to the "Stealing Their Thunder" method. I just make fun of myself before anyone else does so harsh words won't hurt as much. That, and I'm extremely sarcastic, so it helps and I know I'm just kidding. Ahh... I'm not making sense. Sorry. lol

I hope you feel better. Just remember you're not alone. =)

*HUGS*

-Casey