hiddenmuse | As Good As It Gets

You know that comment I made about becoming a full-on Drama Diva? Well I've realized that it's not gonna happen. There's not much I can do about my family experiencing a recent spate of animal deaths - that goes with everyday existence. It's just almost a fluke that we've had 2 in less than 2 weeks.

If I were a Drama Diva, I'd be hijacking others' lj posts and threads on message boards in an attempt at drawing attention to me, like "fuck him/her and their problems! Pay attention to ME!!!" That, my friends and lovelies, is not my style. (Well, I'd hope that it isn't!)

On one of the message boards I go to, someone posted about losing their family's dog this week. In response, I posted something offering my condolences. No mention of what my family's just experienced - because it's not my thread to post about that sort of thing. Besides, that would just be highly rude.

If I have personal angst to work out, I do it here. I don't feel a need to be in everyone's faces with my issues - besides, that would be boring as hell to read. Nothing but the stürm-und-drang in my life ... no thanks. You know, I could go to the opposite extreme and only post about the good things in my life, conveniently forgetting the less-than-stellar, completely snowing everyone that reads this. But even that would get really boring, really quickly.

Instead, you get me as I am. Good days and bad. The highs and lows that anyone else would experience. So you read about me feeling antisocial one day - and feeling giddy a few days later. Being silly and calling crushes "future ex-husbands". Geeking out at Home Depot. Speaking my mind as though I know what the hell I'm talking about half the time. Dealing with the occasional demons of emotion that pop up and threaten to fuck with my head.

Before I got inspired to go off on that tangent, I thought of something earlier - relating to euthanizing pets. The other day, I'd e-mailed my brother and told him about Sid's dying of a heart attack. He sent his sympathies, and said that after having been present when Duke (our grandfather's dog) was put to sleep almost 15 years ago, his relationship with pets has been a bit awkward.

I mentioned that to my mom today, and she said, "yeah, Dan never has gotten close to any of our pets." Perhaps it's his way of girding himself against the idea of becoming close to an animal, only to have it pass away at some point.

I'm the opposite. I have no problem getting close to the pets, and when they pass away, I grieve considerably. When it comes to other people, I'm so afraid to become close to them. Afraid that the relationship could end at anytime, and that I'd lose someone I love. Afraid of getting my heart broken or something.

Yet, I do that all the time with animals. Why is it so different with humans?