Become What You Are

[hiddenmuse]

Before I begin ... in my last post, I wrote about "having spent ten years living with mental illness before being treated". You probably don't know how hard it was for me to say that. I always looked at anyone classified as "mentally ill" as being like the psycho killers that use mental illness as a cop-out. Or those random Crazy Marys on the bus, having passionate arguments with the voices in their heads. It was always the extreme instances that were evidence of mental illness. Not me - "I just suffer from depression". Which, by definition, IS a mental illness. Does this change the way you're going to look at me? I certainly hope not, because I truly have no way of divorcing myself from the fact that I suffer from a mental illness.

(Before anyone suggests joining a Community for depressives, I'll say this: I hate listening to *myself* when I'm depressed. I especially hate to go back and read stuff I've written under the influence of depression. Reading other depressed peoples' live journal entries about how life sucks, etc. would only make me feel worse. Why else do you think I avoid Leonard Cohen's music when I'm feeling blue?)

This is about "becoming what you are" - discovering what you're good at. Growing up with a rather nomadic living situation, the only constant in my life was church. Unfortunately, while Mormonism is a good religion, the culture sucks. Hard. I grew up around beautiful, near-perfect kids with near-perfect family lives. They seemed like the types that could do no wrong, and could do everything perfectly.

They played musical instruments. They were artistic. They could dance beautifully, and were always dancing with boys that would dip them at the end of the songs. They were so damn pretty, it was annoying.

I was from a broken family, and automatically exiled. Any musical instrument I tried to play, I was quickly steered away from it. I played clarinet for two years, but wanted to play something cool, like the saxophone. Or even the drums, but girls didn't play drums in band almost 20 years ago. As for the Fine Arts, there are Kindergartners that are more artistically inclined than me. Dances, don't ask. I'm whiter than white - you'd think I'd been taking lessons at the Steven Page School of Dance. ;)

With all of those strikes against me, I remember feeling like I was completely talentless - except for my writing. It took me years to discover what I am good at, and I think that even now, I'm still learning what those things are.

I'm a fairly decent cook - when the mood strikes to actually get into the kitchen. I fancy myself to be a decent writer. I know my way around computers well enough to keep them from crashing. I enjoy learning (okay, so that might be stretching it a little). I know a little about a whole lot - something that I consider to be mere dilletantism on my part, but others seem to admire. I can navigate the local transit system very well - another thing people seem to admire in me.

So I can't play piano, and my clarinet playing was as easy to listen to as hearing a Canadian Goose being strangled. I can't sing very well, and my artistic talent lies more in admiring it. That's okay, not everyone can be talented in the same respects. You know, life would be really boring if that were the case.

Comments

[sigmaration.livejournal.com]

You are so brave. And I love you for that.

I know I told you this before, but I wanted to post it here for everyone to see. I love you totally, completely and exactly as you are. If that means you can't sing, can't play an instrument, can't draw... whatever. There are a lot of things you are *wonderful* at. Writing *and* cooking included. Not to mention being kind, understanding, funny, loving, and a kick ass hair dye maven. I could go on and on.

The point is. For every thing you can name that you can't do well, I can name something that you can. And no matter what you can or can't do, I love you just like you are.

Remember. You are a sexy diva princess.