Fuck my life...
Nov. 30th, 2011 01:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hiddenmuseI'm setting about for another pity party here - just a forewarning.
Yesterday, I was fired from my job. Probably the first time I'd ever been truly fired from a job - in the past, it's been a "layoff" or as one situation occurred, I was let go for the most asinine (and forgettable) of reasons after 2 weeks.
This time, it was justifiable. I'd hit a 7 year bump, where I was getting frustrated, burned out and really starting to dread going to work in the morning. Unfortunately, I let it all carry over to my work. Instead of you know, being smart about it and finding some other way to deal with it. Shit was falling behind, I was lagging on turn-arounds for things and in turn, my clients were asking for new account agents.
So I was given the news - "We're sorry, but we're terminating your employment. Please turn in your keycard and let me (boss) know of anything that needs to be done that hasn't been entered in the system." I was also given my last paycheck, the balance of my un-used vacation time, and my portion of a 'phantom stock' investment.
After I'd sorted out my desk - packed up what I needed, threw out what I didn't, left things for people to take as their own - I took my things to the reception area and was given $20 for a cab home. A couple of co-workers told me that they knew something better would come along (it could just be what you tell someone in that kind of situation - but I'd like to think so); the receptionist and I commiserated about how there would no longer be any "Trust No One/Big Sister" manager BS to deal with.
And I was a smart girl - I grabbed up all of the business cards for my insurance company contacts, so I can talk to them and let them know that while I'm no longer at the agency - I am looking for work, and the local (SF) people could probably assist me with a lead; and the more distant people could probably offer references.
Still, even though I knew it would be coming at some point, it does hurt like all get-out. I was worried about telling Kellie - feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and like a failure. Like I would be made to feel as though I were a failure and a fuck-up. That I'm no good anymore or something, I know better, how could I have been so stupid, etc. (It probably goes back to when I was younger, and I would feel that kind of shame and embarrassment over bringing home bad grades from school.)
Instead, she did the opposite. She listened to me, put up with my crying and telling her exactly why I was afraid to tell her what happened with my being let go. From there, we started discussing what to do with getting things on track again - filing for unemployment; working on getting a resume written; re-arranging the Christmas plans - since the money I have has been re-allocated, and jobs in December are incredibly scarce; cleaning the house - there may be things that can be sold on Craigslist, eBay, or to Used Record or Bookstores... maybe even have a sidewalk sale.
Of course, there's also things like editing my Tumblr (taking out the Art for Adults blog, and slash-y posts that I liked) ... possibly making my Twitter friends-only again, and the same for the LJ. Just little things when the job search starts up, to make me more "employer-friendly".
Keeping up with continuing insurance education and webinars, so I don't lose my mind entirely. :)
Now, I get the humiliation of telling my family - blood relatives and the in-laws. Co-workers know by now, and I'm sure that the few I'm friends with on Facebook may say something to me.... who knows.
Yesterday, I was fired from my job. Probably the first time I'd ever been truly fired from a job - in the past, it's been a "layoff" or as one situation occurred, I was let go for the most asinine (and forgettable) of reasons after 2 weeks.
This time, it was justifiable. I'd hit a 7 year bump, where I was getting frustrated, burned out and really starting to dread going to work in the morning. Unfortunately, I let it all carry over to my work. Instead of you know, being smart about it and finding some other way to deal with it. Shit was falling behind, I was lagging on turn-arounds for things and in turn, my clients were asking for new account agents.
So I was given the news - "We're sorry, but we're terminating your employment. Please turn in your keycard and let me (boss) know of anything that needs to be done that hasn't been entered in the system." I was also given my last paycheck, the balance of my un-used vacation time, and my portion of a 'phantom stock' investment.
After I'd sorted out my desk - packed up what I needed, threw out what I didn't, left things for people to take as their own - I took my things to the reception area and was given $20 for a cab home. A couple of co-workers told me that they knew something better would come along (it could just be what you tell someone in that kind of situation - but I'd like to think so); the receptionist and I commiserated about how there would no longer be any "Trust No One/Big Sister" manager BS to deal with.
And I was a smart girl - I grabbed up all of the business cards for my insurance company contacts, so I can talk to them and let them know that while I'm no longer at the agency - I am looking for work, and the local (SF) people could probably assist me with a lead; and the more distant people could probably offer references.
Still, even though I knew it would be coming at some point, it does hurt like all get-out. I was worried about telling Kellie - feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and like a failure. Like I would be made to feel as though I were a failure and a fuck-up. That I'm no good anymore or something, I know better, how could I have been so stupid, etc. (It probably goes back to when I was younger, and I would feel that kind of shame and embarrassment over bringing home bad grades from school.)
Instead, she did the opposite. She listened to me, put up with my crying and telling her exactly why I was afraid to tell her what happened with my being let go. From there, we started discussing what to do with getting things on track again - filing for unemployment; working on getting a resume written; re-arranging the Christmas plans - since the money I have has been re-allocated, and jobs in December are incredibly scarce; cleaning the house - there may be things that can be sold on Craigslist, eBay, or to Used Record or Bookstores... maybe even have a sidewalk sale.
Of course, there's also things like editing my Tumblr (taking out the Art for Adults blog, and slash-y posts that I liked) ... possibly making my Twitter friends-only again, and the same for the LJ. Just little things when the job search starts up, to make me more "employer-friendly".
Keeping up with continuing insurance education and webinars, so I don't lose my mind entirely. :)
Now, I get the humiliation of telling my family - blood relatives and the in-laws. Co-workers know by now, and I'm sure that the few I'm friends with on Facebook may say something to me.... who knows.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-11-30 10:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-02 07:36 am (UTC)Kellie said that she was impressed with my thinking to grab up the company contacts business cards - I got that from my prior job!
Granted, at that time, I was moving across the country - but I did get to have the company people in St. Louis as references in California. :)
Also, I kind of felt like - "person that may take over my desk ... build up your own damn Rolodex, get your own damn contacts." :-P
no subject
Date: 2011-11-30 11:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-02 07:19 am (UTC)It'll get better, I think I just screwed myself by letting it get to where it did...
no subject
Date: 2011-12-01 01:44 am (UTC)Smart to clean up your web footprint -very smart. I need to do that too...
no subject
Date: 2011-12-02 07:26 am (UTC)Also, she gave me a needed pep talk, and told me that I was one of the strongest people she knows (which says a lot, since I think she's one of the strongest people *I* know!).
My brother and in-laws don't know yet - but, it seems like it'll be easier with the responses I've gotten so far.
no subject
Date: 2011-12-01 03:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-12-02 07:30 am (UTC)I'm still going to be looking, regardless, and keeping up on things - and I may end up doing temp work (which is fine with me - did it before, in the clerical realm) in the meantime!
no subject
Date: 2011-12-01 04:07 am (UTC)It is all too easy to get caught up in a job to the point where your job defines you. And in the current economic conditions, being that way is not a good thing. I hope you can use this situation as an opportunity to evaluate your talents and find employment doing something that you love.
Sending hugs and good vibes and good wishes for your job search.
no subject
Date: 2011-12-02 08:58 pm (UTC)And it's so true, I think I did get caught up in my job and where I was working. I enjoy my line of work - I wouldn't change that. It's just looking for a better environment to do it in. :)
no subject
Date: 2011-12-01 05:41 am (UTC)Were I in your situation, I'd lie my ass off to my family. But that's just the kind of family I have: pleasant lies are preferred to hard truths. What does it matter why you lost your job, really? I'd gloss over it and just tell them that you lost your job and the economy sucks and you're rewriting your resume, etc.
And I have completely separate Twitter and Tumblr accounts. One that's fannish and uncensored, and then one that my family and coworkers can read. And now that I think about it, that seems sort of weird. Look, I learned early on how to be deceptive to avoid uncomfortable conversations.
And I think your coworkers are right, I think you will find something better.
no subject
Date: 2011-12-02 09:03 pm (UTC)With the Twitter and Tumblr accounts, no family or co-workers are aware of them - any "housecleaning" would be if it's really necessary. (Besides I have a separate Tumblr to let my slashy fangirl loose - I just haven't really set it up.)
The only thing they know of is Facebook, and that's fine.