hiddenmuse | hiding from the gaze

You don't know how weird it feels for me right now.

In the past, I was so used to hiding myself - literally and figuratively - preferring to be obscured by my size and shape. I didn't want anyone to notice me as a person - it was easier to just blend into my background and environment.

Today, I find myself getting the occasional second look, glances from passing strangers, even a couple of co-workers making comments that may or may not have been meant for me to overhear. (One co-worker said something to another about how she could consider putting streaks of purple in her hair ... or going for a Motorcycle Mama effect, in a leather vest. Her response was that "it's Carlita Bonita's job to look pretty around here - I'm not gonna worry about it!")

After so many years of having my self-esteem being issued major smack-downs, being insulted to my face - and behind my back, putting up with whatever other crap people in school and church could mete out ... as well as the unwritten and subliminal pressure from church to be pretty, talented, perfect - and married with babies by 25 years old. As you can guess, my overall self-opinion was left shattered.

So, it feels really strange to hear compliments on my attire and my hair from people. And it's especially strange to have strangers smile at me, or give me a second look on the street. I'm just not used to it yet. {For the record, I'm wearing a denim jacket and black v-neck t-shirt from Old Navy, a long denim Tommy Hilfiger skirt, along with a striped scarf (pink, fuschia, blue & turquoise) and black sandals}