hiding from the gaze

[hiddenmuse]

You don't know how weird it feels for me right now.

In the past, I was so used to hiding myself - literally and figuratively - preferring to be obscured by my size and shape. I didn't want anyone to notice me as a person - it was easier to just blend into my background and environment.

Today, I find myself getting the occasional second look, glances from passing strangers, even a couple of co-workers making comments that may or may not have been meant for me to overhear. (One co-worker said something to another about how she could consider putting streaks of purple in her hair ... or going for a Motorcycle Mama effect, in a leather vest. Her response was that "it's Carlita Bonita's job to look pretty around here - I'm not gonna worry about it!")


After so many years of having my self-esteem being issued major smack-downs, being insulted to my face - and behind my back, putting up with whatever other crap people in school and church could mete out ... as well as the unwritten and subliminal pressure from church to be pretty, talented, perfect - and married with babies by 25 years old. As you can guess, my overall self-opinion was left shattered.

So, it feels really strange to hear compliments on my attire and my hair from people. And it's especially strange to have strangers smile at me, or give me a second look on the street. I'm just not used to it yet. {For the record, I'm wearing a denim jacket and black v-neck t-shirt from Old Navy, a long denim Tommy Hilfiger skirt, along with a striped scarf (pink, fuschia, blue & turquoise) and black sandals}

Comments

[potbellynine.livejournal.com]

So does this mean you are no longer a hidden muse? ;^)

*hugs*
and congrats. You deserve those second looks!

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! :)

*hugs*

[azraelsdaisy.livejournal.com]

You're GORGEOUS dahling!

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

And I love your icon - very pretty and classic-looking!

[donia.livejournal.com]

I went from being considered fat and ugly to somehow deserving of a second look myself even before I underwent the makeover on "What Not To Wear." About the time I turned 30, people were suddenly paying more attention to me. I'm not sure why.

I understand how weird it can be to go from ignored to ogled. After the makeover, I was quite popular, indeed. While I outwardly lapped up the attention, I also became a little more cynical about the motivations for this attention. It seems like everyone notices my looks and still no one seems to care about what goes on inside my heart and mind.

It's hard to find people who can see beyond the valley of the breasts. Even after five years, I'm still not used compliments on my looks. I'm glad for all your accomplishments in losing weight and finding yourself in your new city. Keep up the good work!

[sigmaration.livejournal.com]

Hi Donia... I'm Carly's partner, Kellie.

I just wanted to tell you that I enjoyed your WNTW episode very much, and was relieved to see that someone else in this world had a similar body shape to me. I just kept saying "yep, that's how my >> insert body part here << is too!"

Anyway. I never said hi before, so I thought I would now.

And that Carly really did look fabulous today. Stacy would have approved.

[donia.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed my episode. We actually had a brief exchange once before when I had an icon of the tribal sun tattoo I have on the back of my shoulder and you commented about how you liked the tat and wanted or have a similar one (sorry, I can't remember all the details). I told you the lame story of how I came to choose that design.

Anyway, the pictures Carly posted of her new dye job were hot, so I'm sure the rest has been falling into place, too. I'm glad she has been able to do this on her own (though I'm certain your support played a large role) without having to have someone tell her how to be herself. Even though I had fun doing "What Not To Wear," I did feel like I was being told who I was by people who didn't even know me.

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

Thank you both - between the two of you, I'll end up blushing so red ... heh!

Donia - you are very cool, and I *love* your haircut in the icon photo! :) You're right - it is hard to find people that can look beyond the Valley of the Breasts. It's the innate attraction to big, round, shiny objects, I've decided. (I think men are just human versions of magpies, really...)

[donia.livejournal.com]

The icon comes from a picture that was taken right after I had my hair done on "What Not To Wear." It's a little bit longer and a slightly different shape, though it still has traces of the blonde in it, which I think is pretty wild considering it was done a year ago and I never had it recolored. I can't afford to have my hair cut as often as was recommended and it's hard to find someone who can maintain that style at the rock bottom prices my budget demands.

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Thanks - I'm trying to get used to it! In a way, it still feels a little weird, but I'm getting there. Slowly, but surely. :)

[hamymcboobyflsh.livejournal.com]

i love that someone at work called you carlita bonita. that makes me smile

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

"Carlita Bonita" is actually my nickname in the department - it was the only way to get my name to have a rhyme scheme of any type!