Day Off

Rather than spending all of today mulling over what when wrong yesterday, I only spent this morning mulling over it. Then I decided to get out of my place for a couple of hours and enjoy the decent weather.


After having had 6 months' sobriety (from caffeine), I fell off the wagon a couple of months ago, almost backsliding to my old habits entirely. Today, I've started back on the sobriety (I did wean myself like the last time, so this wasn't sudden) and my Effexor - taking what I had left from last August. I think my headache is from the lack of caffeine, and my tummyache is either from lunch or the Effexor.


Anyways, I went out today - mainly to Hollywood Video, and picked up a couple of movies: two I've seen before, one I've heard about, another that was a relative unknown. So, for the next 5 days, I have Monsters Inc. (which I loved), Canadian Bacon (quite appropriate for the current political climate), In The Realm Of The Senses (Japanese erotic film that I've heard good things about), and Fluffer (never heard of it ... looked interesting though). So I have something to keep me occupied. Yay.


Now, I'm going to try and settle the debate of "take a nap" or "watch a movie". Isn't my life exciting? {/sarcasm}

No Use for a Title

I decided against a nap - especially since I spent half an hour tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Instead, I watched Canadian Bacon and Fluffer. Canadian Bacon was great, and had me laughing as usual. Fluffer was like Boogie Nights in the gay porn industry, gay-for-pay and all. Unfortunately, the work references (especially comments about how said work was being done) were hitting too close to home for me, so I think I'm better off watching the film when I'm not such an exposed nerve about w-o-r-k.

As for work, I don't think what happened would get me shitcanned. Just shaken up pretty badly, and reminding me that being off my antidepressants was doing more than affecting my moods ... it could've been affecting my work. :(

Speaking of antidepressants, the Effexor is the cause of my upset stomach. I have to be extremely careful, because this was one of the reasons I kept going off and getting back on - the stomach upsets were aggravating. Then, the depression got to be too much, and so it went.

Heck, at this point, I'm just looking at it like this: I went to the grocery store tonight, and most of the stuff that would tempt me instead turned my stomach. Not the best way to lose weight, mind you, but it'll work for now. *smirk*

Ah well ... tomorrow night, I'm going to watch Monsters Inc. and In The Realm Of The Senses. I have Friday off for the corporate holiday of "GottauseupthosevacationdaysbytheendofMarch". I'm also taking off next Tuesday and Thursday for that holiday. Plans? To be a slacker. Perhaps do some more small bathroom repairs. Watch more movies, keep taking my Effexor (even with the side effects), pay the bills, get the taxes done, etc.

Hope all is going well for you reading this! :-D

For Those That Wonder (or Want To Help/ Understand)

What it's like to suffer from depression, or how to help someone that's going through depression.

I have a feeling that like snowflakes and human DNA, the Depressive Experience is different for anyone that's been through it. What worked (or is working) for one person, or group of people, may not work for others.

When it comes to treatment, for some, they can get through their depression by talk therapy (psychotherapy) alone. Some need to be on antidepressants for several months to a year. Others may need to be on antidepressants for the rest of their lives. And in extreme instances, there are people that need to be hospitalized and/or undergo ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy/Shock Therapy).

Some experience depression that seems to malinger after the loss of a loved one, and go into therapy or onto antidepressants. Some of us have episodes of depression throughout our lives, often sporadic, but bad enough to merit treatment.

Being around us can be confounding, because one person may crave human contact while going through a bout of depression, while someone else may prefer to keep things bottled up, not wanting to bother others with their problems. So, as you can guess, what works splendidly for one person, may not work for another.

I'd love to say "I need X, Y and Z" to help me get through this dark time. Truth be told, I don't know what I need or want to help me get through my dark times. Some days, I may want to be around others, hear that I'm not alone. Other days, I just want to hide away from everyone and not depress them with my being depressed. So forgive me if I seem inaccessible or standoffish.

Just as you're trying to figure out what to make of your depressive friend/ loved one, we're trying to figure out what works best for us - all the while, dealing with those feelings of guilt, shame, anger and frustration that go along with depression.

All we ask is that you be yourself - don't change that. If we loved you for it before the depression surfaced, going through the depression shouldn't affect it. If we start talking negatively about ourselves, and your words don't seem to affect us - that's the depression talking.

For those of us on antidepressants, we're on them because we *have to* be on them. This wasn't a cop-out, or a way to avoid dealing with those nasty things called "emotions". Any possible option has been exhausted, and if drugs can help us manage the day-to-day, then that's what is called for. And give us a few weeks to adjust to the medication - don't expect a complete turnaround in mood overnight.

Hopefully this can begin to scratch the surface. At least I can say that I've tried.

Love,

Carly