Wasted Years

[hiddenmuse]

Time for a work rant - again, this is about my prior job. The current one is going rather well - but not so well that I feel like I could risk swirling into paranoia over it.

While I was going through the licensing class over the past several days, by the second day, I was feeling incredibly screwed over by the prior class I'd taken. That class had taught me what I needed to pass the licensing exam ... and left it at that. There were no real-world applications for what we were learning - just 40 hours of an instructor literally reading to us, and us highlighting the readings. Post-test (assuming that you'd passed), we were to essentially purge our pretty little heads of what we'd learned, and re-learn everything anew. *hangs head in shame*

I spent almost two years feeling like I was huge poseur ... putting up appearances of knowing what I was talking about, looking smart, whatever else. Coupled with having it out with the Noonday Demon (depression, that is), mentally, I was NOT a pretty sight at all. I hated talking to clients - and not just related to social anxiety, either. I dreaded calls from the clients when they wanted to get answers about coverages and/or exclusions, because I had no idea how to answer their questions. There were items on the standard applications that, to be honest, I had no idea what they were for exactly. I felt like a dummy for asking the same questions several times over about a particular coverage - especially since I had NO IDEA how it worked out. Just that it was absolutely discombobulating, because I didn't understand it. Until now.

You don't know how many nights I went home from work, paranoid. Worried that one day, the HMM would snap out of his seeming obliviousness - or someone would snap him out of it for him - and I would be fired because of my ineptitude. Even though I was told that I could ask questions, I felt like I shouldn't ask *too many* questions, or ask the same questions many times over, because it would be tantamount to a scarlet letter on my chest - an "M" for "Moron". That I should've learned these things in my licensing class and/or on the job - and because I didn't, somehow, I was just getting myself wrapped up into this neverending shame spiral. Partially self-inflicted, partially due to the sinister Demon, and partially due to a sub-standard insurance education.


The good thing is, it's getting better. I'd gotten a better education this go-round, I'm in a wonderful work environment - with co-workers and supervisors that are willing and able to help me out in any way possible. Now, I just have to sign up for a test date, and I'll be oh-fish-all! :-D

Comments

[azraelsdaisy.livejournal.com]

I heart your icon.

And I know what you mean. I'm a techie geek through and through but everytime my job function changes and I have to relearn technology, I flip out. But within a month, I understand again.

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

Thanks! rosesandvine is the creative one that designed the Eddie Izzard icon. :)

As for work, I think that unfortunately, the company that taught my pre-licensing classes on the first go-round are only interested in teaching you what is needed to pass the test ... forget what you'd need to actually work in the day-to-day of that field. Thankfully, I think they're restricted to insurance licensing only.

[azraelsdaisy.livejournal.com]

It's the same here. They tell you the theory behind all of the new technology and they tell you how to troubleshoot it, but they don't tell you what to do in the real life situation that the troubleshooting doesn't work, which is 90% of the time. They never tell you how to explain it to the customer. They always tell you "Don't tell the customer this" or "Don't show the customer this..."

It's rediculous.

[rosesandvine.livejournal.com]

It good to be getting proper training, but it also must feel good to know regardless of the Demon, you did know quite a bit, and were good at what you did, right? I'm glad you're feeling better about this job, and feeling more confident.

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

I feel like I was "fair-to-middling" at my other job - which only resulted in my appearing to be floating gracefully on the water, while I paddled furiously beneath the surface, so to speak.

There was only so much paddling that I could do before I reached the point of exhaustion, and ended up making a huge mistake on a policy that could cost someone thousands of dollars. :-/

Now, I'm feeling better. While I'm floating on the water, this time, there's no furious paddling. :)

[writer-lilies.livejournal.com]

Just further proof that their training methods are flawed and not the employees. :o\

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

Indeed! And it's especially bad when it feels like certain companies have monopolies on education programs.