hiddenmuse | Random Ramblings

I'd mentioned that I was having some work angst - and was getting paranoid that I'd be fired or something because of what happened. Well, I didn't want to talk about it until it was all said & done, afraid that I'd say something & end up shooting myself in the foot as I'm prone to do.

Anyways, my supervisor was getting concerned about my work, because a recent project was all screwy, and my desk was starting to look scattered - as though I were starting to become overwhelmed by work.

I spent Tuesday night and Wednesday feeling spilkes (on pins & needles) over the whole thing - which was probably aggravated by my current state of mind. When I got into work on Thursday, Sherry wasn't going to fire me or anything. She was concerned because in her words "you don't do half-assed work", and she had a feeling that my depression might have been returning. And she was very nice about everything, largely worried that I was declining emotionally - not wanting to rip me a new orifice as I'd feared.

Since I had today off to celebrate "GottauseupthevacationdaysbytheendofMarch" (and you thought religious holidays had some odd names - corporate holidays are wierder!), I spent the day being lazy. Okay, so I was awake at 7:00, as usual, but I spent a good part of the morning being a bum. And it was damn fun. Watched the usual parade of "Who's The Daddy?" on the talk shows, saw Monsters Inc. (which I love), took a nap, and went out for dinner. What an exciting life, I know...

I'm being a good girl and taking my meds like I should. I'm even avoiding the caffeine so I don't get jittery. Even though I take the Effexor with food, I still have nausea and an upset stomach. :( Then, today, I was feeling a bit jittery. I know, these side effects are most likely temporary and should disappear in less than 6 weeks, but still ... it's a pain in the ass.

It may sound wierd, but I'm thankful that I'm on the seizure medicine that I am. Probably because it's used to help treat people with bipolar disorder that doesn't respond to conventional drugs. I'm not saying that I'm bipolar (believe me, I'd tested for it ... not even close), but what I mean is that my seizure medicine has helped to keep my depression from getting worse than it is. It's not going to totally obviate the problem, but it at least keeps me somewhat functioning. I don't have to force myself to get out of bed every morning, don't contemplate suicide, etc.

Despite that, though, my depression was affecting me in other ways. It's been affecting my work, and my performance at work. What I'd been passing off as 'writer's block' may very well be the depression pulling me down into that morass of anhedonia, where anything that I used to enjoy, I don't. Yes, even sex has become a huge turn-off.

For so long, I found it easier to hide my depression and shut people out. Probably because when I was first diagnosed, I felt such an amount of shame and embarrassment. I was ashamed of my condition, so much that when I'd bought the book How To Heal Depression, I felt like I was 16 and trying to buy porno mags.

I didn't realize that by shutting people out of my life in that respect (but allowing them access to other aspects), I wasn't helping myself get better. And I feel bad for shutting people out in that way, because I'm finding that they are willing to listen and help however possible - all I had to do was say something. So, to anyone I've shut out or rejected help from, I'm sorry. If you're still willing - I'd appreciate your help. :)