hiddenmuse | ... took so long to leave

At Church on Sunday, I found it almost ironic that I was cold-shouldered by a couple of people I'd grown up with. Scratch that. It wasn't ironic - it was almost familiar. Except that the people involved were people I used to associate with. It especially got me that S. was able to ignore me - treat me as though I were non-existent, even though I was within her line of vision.

Doesn't matter. I just think it was odd, and I wonder what brought it on. Is it because we'd both known of the other's (heterosexual) dalliances, and while she ended up with a child, I appeared to come out unscathed? Does she think that she fucked and has to live with the consequences in the form of single motherhood - but I was doing similar things and I didn't get pregnant, that somehow I lucked out, and therefore sparked a small degree of jealousy?

I thought about it, and if only she knew of the consequences I dealt with. Hers were more tangible and physically obvious. Mine were hidden below the surface, and hidden by my ability to disguise my reality. I hid being abused. I hid that I was having sex in a failed attempt at getting love and attention. I hid that some nights, I was absolutely racked with guilt over what I had done.

Believe me, you might think I got off scot-free, but it's not the case. Granted, I didn't get pregnant, but not being able to discuss having been abused, because I was hiding my relationship from others that disapproved, afraid to hear "told you so" ... that carries its own weight.

It happened several years ago, but the wounds haven't healed completely. Sometimes a nerve still feels exposed ... something triggers me ... and I just lose it. I'm gradually getting past the part where I regret staying for so long. Now it's just a matter of getting past feeling like I let it happen, that I let it continue, rather than being the "strong woman" I "should've been" and just up and left.

Until that day, I'll sometimes bring it up here, because it's better than keeping it inside and letting IT (whatever "IT" may be) just foment until I feel even worse. Thank you for bearing with me.