hiddenmuse | What It's Like ...

As you may (or may not) know, I have epilepsy. Because of the unpredictable nature of my seizures, I prefer to not drive. Because of the fact that I have not been seizure-free for more than 6 months, Missouri state law prohibits me from driving. That's okay, I'd rather not black out and risk causing a huge accident.

Why do I bring this all up? Because, I had a seizure this evening. It's been several months, too. :(

Thankfully my seizures aren't of the "throw yourself on the ground flailing" variety that makes for good melodrama on prime time. Instead, they affect the part of my brain that controls speech ... and I just space out, unable to speak, biting my tongue or the inside of my cheek.

You know how you end up with a word on the tip of your tongue - but you can't think of what it is? That's *exactly* how I feel mid-seizure. Except, I'm not struggling with "impossible words" so much as very basic words. Throw in the voices and deja-vu from hallucinations ... and we're talking fun for everyone. ;)

Afterwards, I end up with nasty headaches, feeling physically drained, sometimes sleeping for an hour or two afterwards. Even though I've had them since I was 11, they still scare the hell out of me when they occur. I look around trying to get my bearings, thinking that I can somehow will them away, that if I focus, it won't happen. That's wishful thinking, but it gets me through the times that it scares the hell out of me.

You know, while many people say that they don't believe in higher powers or anything like that, I do. I say that because I *know* that someone is watching out for me when my seizures happen. Especially when they happen in public, like tonight's. I was just barely coming out of that haze when the bus pulled up. There's no way I would've noticed that unless I was somehow able to become lucid enough to pay attention for a minute.

And with my epilepsy, I can say that I've accomplished a lot. When I was first diagnosed, the information available had moved away from the idea of locking up epileptics in mental institutions (the padded cells would protect us from hurting ourselves when we seize, y'see), but still talked about epileptics as though we needed to be cosetted.

For years, I heard (and read) that epileptics shouldn't/can't drive. No baths without someone else around - you could have a seizure and drown in the bathtub. No gas stoves - what happens if you have a seizure while cooking? You shouldn't live alone - what happens if you have a seizure and hurt yourself?

I took Driver's Ed, when I was seizure-free, only to end up not driving (I think 1/2 of it was my dad scaring me shitless the one time he let me drive at 14 years). I take showers out of personal preference - not because I "have to". Gas stove? Both places I've lived in have had them. I also have a microwave, too. And I've had seizures at home, at work, on the bus/train, anywhere - probably more places than I've had sex. :-x

Now, if you'll excuse me, even though I did get my hair cut tonight, I really should lie down and take a nap. Or just sleep the entire night.