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Jul. 24th, 2011 08:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hiddenmuseI have read some really really bad fan fiction in my time - and I've even read some really bad fiction in general.
Recently, I read something that I think puts Naomi Campbell and Pamela Anderson's literary masterpieces (Swan - A Story of Sex, Supermodels and Shopping and Star - A Novel, respectively) to shame.
Yes, I know... you're probably wondering how *anyone* could one-up poorly-written novels by a temperamental supermodel and a model-cum-actress-cum-human flotation device, or poorly-written fan fiction by this group of folks: Ten Seriously Disturbing Pieces of TV Fan Fiction. Well, it has been done - and it was so bad that our candidate for the 2012 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is being hidden behind a cut:
Ms. Tyra Banks - supermodel, TV Talk Show host, Harvard Business School (extension college) student, America's Next Top Model host, 'actress', narcissist...what can't she do?
The answer to that would be writing. Yes, she apparently got the brilliant (read - possibly delusional) idea that she could add "writer" to that list of accomplishments. Nice try, but no.
In September 2011, the world will have Modelland unleashed upon it. And some poor soul(s) at Amazon.com had to put up the blurb from the book on the website:
No one gets in without being asked. And with her untamable hair, large forehead, and gawky body, Tookie De La Crème isn’t expecting an invitation. Modelland—the exclusive, mysterious place on top of the mountain—never dares to make an appearance in her dreams.
But someone has plans for Tookie. Before she can blink her mismatched eyes, Tookie finds herself in the very place every girl in the world obsesses about. And three unlikely girls have joined her.
Only seven extraordinary young women become Intoxibellas each year. Famous. Worshipped. Magical. What happens to those who don’t make it? Well, no one really speaks of that. Some things are better left unsaid.
Thrown into a world where she doesn’t seem to belong, Tookie glimpses a future that could be hers—if she survives the beastly Catwalk Corridor and terrifying Thigh-High Boot Camp. Or could it? Dark rumors like silken threads swirl around the question of why Tookie and her new friends were selected . . . and the shadows around Modelland hide sinister secrets.
Are you ready? Modelland is waiting for you. . . .
The "About the Author" section is almost as bad, if not potentially worse:
Tyra Banks was fifteen years old when she started modeling, the same age as Modelland’s Tookie De La Crème. After establishing a supermodel career she could never have dreamed of, Tyra tackled the world of television, creating the hit show America’s Next Top Model, which is seen in over 170 countries, and her two-time Emmy-award-winning talk show, The Tyra Show, to become the super businesswoman she always wanted to be. Tyra is a leading voice in empowering girls and is dedicated to expanding the definition of beauty worldwide.
Tyra invested five years in conceiving and writing Modelland, her first book of fiction. Her lifelong love of reading and storytelling is deeply embedded in every page. She was born in Los Angeles, lives in New York City, and has a vacation home in Modelland, where she is feverishly working on the next Modelland novel.
Oh no, no Mary Sue-ism there at all. And so blatant, no less. I wonder if she spent her days at home as a teenager slogging out bad Beverly Hills 90210 fanfic in preparation for this big day as a grown-up.
Recently, I read something that I think puts Naomi Campbell and Pamela Anderson's literary masterpieces (Swan - A Story of Sex, Supermodels and Shopping and Star - A Novel, respectively) to shame.
Yes, I know... you're probably wondering how *anyone* could one-up poorly-written novels by a temperamental supermodel and a model-cum-actress-cum-human flotation device, or poorly-written fan fiction by this group of folks: Ten Seriously Disturbing Pieces of TV Fan Fiction. Well, it has been done - and it was so bad that our candidate for the 2012 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is being hidden behind a cut:
Ms. Tyra Banks - supermodel, TV Talk Show host, Harvard Business School (extension college) student, America's Next Top Model host, 'actress', narcissist...what can't she do?
The answer to that would be writing. Yes, she apparently got the brilliant (read - possibly delusional) idea that she could add "writer" to that list of accomplishments. Nice try, but no.
In September 2011, the world will have Modelland unleashed upon it. And some poor soul(s) at Amazon.com had to put up the blurb from the book on the website:
No one gets in without being asked. And with her untamable hair, large forehead, and gawky body, Tookie De La Crème isn’t expecting an invitation. Modelland—the exclusive, mysterious place on top of the mountain—never dares to make an appearance in her dreams.
But someone has plans for Tookie. Before she can blink her mismatched eyes, Tookie finds herself in the very place every girl in the world obsesses about. And three unlikely girls have joined her.
Only seven extraordinary young women become Intoxibellas each year. Famous. Worshipped. Magical. What happens to those who don’t make it? Well, no one really speaks of that. Some things are better left unsaid.
Thrown into a world where she doesn’t seem to belong, Tookie glimpses a future that could be hers—if she survives the beastly Catwalk Corridor and terrifying Thigh-High Boot Camp. Or could it? Dark rumors like silken threads swirl around the question of why Tookie and her new friends were selected . . . and the shadows around Modelland hide sinister secrets.
Are you ready? Modelland is waiting for you. . . .
The "About the Author" section is almost as bad, if not potentially worse:
Tyra Banks was fifteen years old when she started modeling, the same age as Modelland’s Tookie De La Crème. After establishing a supermodel career she could never have dreamed of, Tyra tackled the world of television, creating the hit show America’s Next Top Model, which is seen in over 170 countries, and her two-time Emmy-award-winning talk show, The Tyra Show, to become the super businesswoman she always wanted to be. Tyra is a leading voice in empowering girls and is dedicated to expanding the definition of beauty worldwide.
Tyra invested five years in conceiving and writing Modelland, her first book of fiction. Her lifelong love of reading and storytelling is deeply embedded in every page. She was born in Los Angeles, lives in New York City, and has a vacation home in Modelland, where she is feverishly working on the next Modelland novel.
Oh no, no Mary Sue-ism there at all. And so blatant, no less. I wonder if she spent her days at home as a teenager slogging out bad Beverly Hills 90210 fanfic in preparation for this big day as a grown-up.
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Date: 2011-07-25 03:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-25 04:37 am (UTC)You know, the ones who are so incredibly dumb, you kind of have to watch to believe really exist?
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Date: 2011-07-26 04:38 am (UTC)twitsgirls that go on the show every season.I just wonder if the girls of "Toddlers and Tiaras" now will be the next generation of vapid anorexic howler monkeys on that show - they're certainly bitchy and annoying enough (or, maybe their mothers are...lol)!
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Date: 2011-07-26 04:32 am (UTC)Total car crash of a book - something that I *might* read if someone passed a free copy onto me, or if the bookstore near my office has a pre-release copy in their free book box. Although I'd worry about my IQ falling down to my shoe size during the reading!
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Date: 2011-07-26 03:46 am (UTC)Intoxibellas
I don't even have enough words.
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Date: 2011-07-26 04:48 am (UTC)*Almost* makes me long for the days of bad Mary Sue-centered boy band fics written by teenage girls (this was in my pursuit of Metallica, Placebo, Green Day and other stuff... got sidetracked by the trainwrecks of Backstreet Boys and N*SYNC).