Medication Update
Apr. 4th, 2005 09:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hiddenmuseI'm on what seems to be my 50th different seizure medication in as many months - Keppra, while keeping me seizure-free, had a nasty side effect. One that made the hair loss and weight gain from Depakote almost seem tolerable.
How can I put this, without freaking people out? ... Hmmm ... I'll just come out and say it: Keppra made me suicidally depressed. I NEVER attempted. I just had this incredible, overwhelming depression - a feeling of guilt over nothing at all, coupled with the sense that I should be in Hell.
Then, yesterday, it happened again. I was at the top floor of a department store, looking out the window and admiring the view of downtown. The next thought that came into my head was "what if I jumped from this ledge?" It scared the hell out of me, to go from a perfectly rational, decent thought ... to a suicidal thought - something totally irrational and insane. It was the medication thinking for me, which freaked me out. I got away from the window and broke down, because I was scared over what had happened.
Hopefully, this will be ending very soon, as I am being weaned off the Keppra - and going onto Lamictal. Granted, I'll be spending the first week on 3 different seizure meds, and the schedule for going on Lamictal is utterly screwy (only to keep patients from developing a rare, but potentially fatal rash) ... but anything is better than Keppra Hell.
How can I put this, without freaking people out? ... Hmmm ... I'll just come out and say it: Keppra made me suicidally depressed. I NEVER attempted. I just had this incredible, overwhelming depression - a feeling of guilt over nothing at all, coupled with the sense that I should be in Hell.
Then, yesterday, it happened again. I was at the top floor of a department store, looking out the window and admiring the view of downtown. The next thought that came into my head was "what if I jumped from this ledge?" It scared the hell out of me, to go from a perfectly rational, decent thought ... to a suicidal thought - something totally irrational and insane. It was the medication thinking for me, which freaked me out. I got away from the window and broke down, because I was scared over what had happened.
Hopefully, this will be ending very soon, as I am being weaned off the Keppra - and going onto Lamictal. Granted, I'll be spending the first week on 3 different seizure meds, and the schedule for going on Lamictal is utterly screwy (only to keep patients from developing a rare, but potentially fatal rash) ... but anything is better than Keppra Hell.
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-04 05:16 pm (UTC)*thinks hard*
You know hon, now that I think about it I ended up on my anti's after the Keppra... I hadn't realized the relationship... but now that I'm thinking about it it's there. I'm still on the anti's so there may or may not have been a link...
I'm so so so so so sorry... Ugh.... I really hate bodies and chemicals in our mind. Why doesn't your brain (and mine) work correctly?! Is it REALLY that difficult? Millions of peoples brains work just fine.
/rant
no subject
Date: 2005-04-04 06:36 pm (UTC)And sometimes, I'd love to have a brain transplant ... but I'd lose some damn good memories, which wouldn't be cool at all.