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Ode to Divorce
Jan. 3rd, 2015 03:48 pmI really don't know what to write, or where to begin, since it's apparently been months since I've posted anything here.
Kellie and I were officially divorced at the end of September/ beginning of October. Every once in a great while, I feel sad about it...which I guess is normal when the longest relationship I've been in ended. You can only do so much and I am a human being, as much as I sometimes want to fight against that whole idea (of being human and the whole experiencing messy emotions business).
I discovered a few things: it sounds really stupid, but the divorce was strangely freeing. I'd found myself, as a result of my introversion and social anxieties, letting myself live in Kellie's shadow because she was more extroverted and outgoing. We'd go out and we'd feel privately resentful of the other for being a suck on their reserves (me)/ social life (her) the entire time, so it was hard to have fun. I was used to being known as "Kellie's wife" more than as my own individual being.
Being apart, I've been kind of forced to be my own person. Which for someone with the aforementioned anxieties and introverted personality, is fucking impossible most of the time. Although I've been able to start to do things that I didn't feel comfortable doing before - going to concerts, midnight movies, meeting new people. I've gotten my septum pierced as "fuck you" to being told that it wouldn't look good on me - it actually looks really good, so yeah... I go to Rocky Horror Picture Show every month, and that's my new favorite thing to do - since I go alone, I usually end up chatting with people waiting in line and meet fellow fans, as well as the occasional virgins. I've taken to wearing black eyeliner and red lipstick on occasion, even though it was insinuated that they didn't look right on me. Sometimes I even wear false eyelashes. While bleaching my bangs - before dyeing them bright blue.
Kellie and I were officially divorced at the end of September/ beginning of October. Every once in a great while, I feel sad about it...which I guess is normal when the longest relationship I've been in ended. You can only do so much and I am a human being, as much as I sometimes want to fight against that whole idea (of being human and the whole experiencing messy emotions business).
I discovered a few things: it sounds really stupid, but the divorce was strangely freeing. I'd found myself, as a result of my introversion and social anxieties, letting myself live in Kellie's shadow because she was more extroverted and outgoing. We'd go out and we'd feel privately resentful of the other for being a suck on their reserves (me)/ social life (her) the entire time, so it was hard to have fun. I was used to being known as "Kellie's wife" more than as my own individual being.
Being apart, I've been kind of forced to be my own person. Which for someone with the aforementioned anxieties and introverted personality, is fucking impossible most of the time. Although I've been able to start to do things that I didn't feel comfortable doing before - going to concerts, midnight movies, meeting new people. I've gotten my septum pierced as "fuck you" to being told that it wouldn't look good on me - it actually looks really good, so yeah... I go to Rocky Horror Picture Show every month, and that's my new favorite thing to do - since I go alone, I usually end up chatting with people waiting in line and meet fellow fans, as well as the occasional virgins. I've taken to wearing black eyeliner and red lipstick on occasion, even though it was insinuated that they didn't look right on me. Sometimes I even wear false eyelashes. While bleaching my bangs - before dyeing them bright blue.
