hiddenmuse | (no subject)

I'm reaching a point where the only thing keeping me in my job is loyalty/seniority, and even that is starting to feel tenuous.

I do want to move onto another job - and I will readily admit that the biggest thing keeping me from doing it is ME. I've become so wrapped up in the stultifying comfort of this routine, that I think I'm almost afraid of upending it all on myself - but I know that while it may affect my depression and sanity, it won't be as bad as if I were to stay around here and continue to delude myself into thinking that everything's going to get better soon. THAT would be far worse to my depression and sanity, really.

I'm just tired of feeling like every day is a blur. Every morning is the same thing - keeping myself occupied until 5 p.m., then going home and preparing to do it all again. This daily grind risks giving me road rash if I'm not careful.

Being fed the same platitudes of "Hang in there - it'll get better" does nothing to motivate me. The light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off due to severe apathy, thank you for coming, have a nice day.

I do my job, but feel like an automaton. The emotional exasperation is wearing me down, and I'm just tired of hearing from my family ... the ones that are my usual confidantes in work matters, telling me "well, the fact that you're still there and doing the work is a definite sign of their confidence in you." one day, then another day saying, "perhaps you should consider looking elsewhere, if things are that bad."

I'm just sick of it all, really. Sick of feeling this way. So fucking tired and bored of feeling like I'm just meandering, and biding my time by constantly bitching about work. It wasn't this way before - and now that it is, I'm still reeling from the shock.