(no subject)

[hiddenmuse]

Right now, I'm scared.

No, there isn't some nefarious creature lurking under my bed, waiting to steal my soul. Nor is there a closet monster wanting to scare the bejesus out of me. This is even worse.

I'm afraid of something good. This weekend, I've felt like I don't want to continue with OA, like I don't want to lose weight or work on my overeating.

It bothers me because I want to keep myself held back. I don't want to let go of my security blanket - which is what my fat has become. It's shielded me from having to deal with unwelcome advances, or having to be up-front and out there in the world.

Being fat, I can just hide away. No one wants to be around a fat girl - unless they just want to fuck you. It lets me continue to be comfortably antisocial, happily passive-aggressive.

To not be fat means that I'm exposed. I'm vulnerable. I'd have to give in and not hide away anymore. I'd have to deal in the messiness that is romantic relationships.

There are some nights that I really, truly need to be at those OA meetings. Tonight is definitely one of those nights.

Comments

[sandybright.livejournal.com]

"However, I encourage you to change if that is what you want and will make you happy. It may be scary, but to quote Bettina (Kathy Bates' character from Six Feet Under): "If something scares you that probably means you should do it.""

What she said. I know how you feel and I really can't offer any more than what's already been said, but if you need to talk, IM me at sandybright1. *hugs*


Sandy