(no subject)

[hiddenmuse]

After last night's MD rant, I decided that I'm going to write out what I want to tell the doctor when I see him next month. (For the record, I do like my internist, he's a great doctor with a wonderful - sometimes twisted - sense of humor.)


Dear Dr. S. -

At my last appointment, you'd more or less chastised me for going off Serzone because of reports alone. This caught me off-guard, and had I known that it would come up, I would've been able to tell you the whole story.

I do respect that you have a wider breadth of knowledge when it comes to medicine, and hope that you can respect that I like to keep up on my conditions and the medications. Keeping this in mind, for me, Tegretol (my seizure meds) is like my baby. Any medication I'm prescribed should be copacetic with the Tegretol, or I'm not afraid to ask for something else.

While Serzone was a good antidepressant, with few side effects, I already have to have my liver function and white blood cell counts monitored with the Tegretol. My concern was that I'd risk adding to the problem by continuing the Serzone. This was discussed with my psychiatrist before the mutual decision was made to put me onto Effexor.

Sure, the Effexor does have some side effects. While you were concerned about GI upset and nausea, I see it as something I can live with. Side effects don't raise a mental red flag until I end up with physical problems - like migraines or serious GI problems, like that possible ulcer from Paxil, or psychiatric side effects - like mania, or feeling devoid of emotion and resorting to cutting as a reminder that by seeing blood and feeling pain, I had substance and was still human.

Yes, I've had to give up caffeine. That's no big deal. Besides, it's something that my neurologist had been hinting at for several years. It was just a matter of getting through the nasty little thing called "addiction".

You probably saw me as being stubborn and possibly ignorant of the gravity of my situation. What you don't see is that it took me years to begin to accept my depression as an honest-to-God disorder, and something that I will most likely be treated for for the rest of my life. I don't like that I have to depend on the contents of an amber bottle to maintain an even keel, but it's a fact of life for me. I don't like that the drug wierds out my libido, or gives me an upset stomach. But it's a hell of a lot better than the alternative.

When I made the (joking) comment about the upset stomach and nausea keeping me from overeating, you concentrated on the upset stomach and nausea. What you don't realise is that I was serious about it keeping me from overeating. You (and I) want me to lose weight, but I have to get past the hurdle of compulsive overeating and emotional eating. Hopefully the antidepressants and the support of Overeaters Anonymous can help me there.

So please don't misconstrue me. My intentions are good, albeit occasionally fucked-up. I'm trying to be a good person, and while I've spent so long being good to others, it's time that I work on being good to me for once. And you can help me, as long as you can get a better understanding of where I'm coming from.

Thank you.


Now ... in light of some people feeling that America is slowly devolving into "Amerika" in that Orwell's 1984/ McCarthyism way ... I offer something that struck me as oddly appropriate:

You have the right to free speech
As long as you're not dumb enough
To actually try it.

- The Clash, "Know Your Rights"