![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hiddenmuseof which I had two in high school.
From grade 9 to grade 11, I had Kevin. Personally, I think he was probably at the receiving end of bullying from others, so he felt like he had to take out his frustrations on someone else. Namely me. It was never physical, always verbal and emotional. He was always good at pointing out my shortcomings and making me feel like shit.
In grade 11, I had him and a girl named Jennifer as my personal bullies. Jennifer's big thing was to mock me whenver possible. One day, while walking home from school, I had a run-in with someone that liked to sexually harrass me. Rather than deal with it, I turned around and decided to take another way home. Jennifer saw me and called out, "oh, are you lost little girl? Don't know how to get home?" If I weren't so shy and passive/aggressive, I would've told her, "No, you dumb c*nt. I'm getting away from this asshole that likes to sexually harrass me. Got a problem with that?"
While Kevin was a fellow geek *shudders* who was at the center of his own share of bullying, Jennifer was just a burnout looking to show off around her friends.
Thankfully Jennifer gave up. I think she ended up dropping out of school or something. Kevin, on the other hand, I ended up encountering during my time on the college newspaper. I'd heard from someone that he was saying something about me, and what I was like in high school. Of course, what he said wasn't exactly flattering, and I'd prefer to not go into detail, because it's still a bit of a sore spot for me.
Anyways, after hearing about this, I sat down and wrote a very angry letter to Kevin, basically telling him that I was sick of his bullshit, that I was sick of his bullying me, and that I wasn't going to let him bully me around anymore. Years later, a friend told me that the letter was published in the school paper - which I wouldn't have known, since I refused to read the paper while I was on the staff. If nothing else, he left me alone after that. I guess he wasn't expecting me to stand up for myself - even if it was in such a vitriolic way. Even if the assistant editor gave me a talking-to over taking that matter into my own hands instead of reporting it, it was worth it. Why should I have gotten the editors and/or the faculty sponsor involved, when this was a long-standing issue?
Since I'm discussing high school Hell, I guess I should come clean about how miserable I was back in those days...
Having been in several school districts in St. Louis due to my family's moving every few years, I went into high school very insecure and vulnerable. I wanted so badly to fit in, to make friends, everything else ... and in those attempts, completely lost myself.
If I hadn't been so fucked-up in the head, maybe I would've allowed myself to be a smart kid. Perhaps if they'd realized my potential, that I was truly one of the gifted kids, would things have been easier? Would school have been better for me?
No matter, I was just one of those in-the-blood wierdos. One of many classic underacheivers, being told "if only you'd work up to your potential...", or "if only you'd put some effort into it...", only to fall through the cracks, not realizing that I was an honest-to-God Smart Kid until years after the fact.
Friendships, when they came about, were so one-sided, I would've been better off with imaginary friends. There was no reciprocity, and unfortunately, I've gotten so used to that sort of thing, I think it still carries on to this day. I had very few "actual" friends, people that I could actually talk to and confide in. Everyone else was a superficial friend. Not that they were "truly" superficial, I just mean that they were friends, but only in the good times. When the sour times came around, they weren't there.
Unfortunately, that's been the case for me since high school. And rather than support one-sided friendships, I feel like I'd rather have few friends, if any, than have many fairweather friends.
You know, I signed up on classmates.com, and I'd love to get a paid membership, if only to tell people the truth about my experience in high school. (For some reason, you have to have a paid membership to write a "life story" or "school story") I'd LOVE to tell them that behind my few and far-between smiles, I was miserable. That I wasn't stuck-up, just scared to death. That I had so many times that I wanted to die, rather than face another day at school. That I spent almost 10 years living with mental illness before finally having it treated. That the reason I lost contact with them is because I fucking hated the school, and I fucking hated half of them.
To tell them the ugly truth. Not to give them some nice little shiny happy, sugar-coated version of reality.
From grade 9 to grade 11, I had Kevin. Personally, I think he was probably at the receiving end of bullying from others, so he felt like he had to take out his frustrations on someone else. Namely me. It was never physical, always verbal and emotional. He was always good at pointing out my shortcomings and making me feel like shit.
In grade 11, I had him and a girl named Jennifer as my personal bullies. Jennifer's big thing was to mock me whenver possible. One day, while walking home from school, I had a run-in with someone that liked to sexually harrass me. Rather than deal with it, I turned around and decided to take another way home. Jennifer saw me and called out, "oh, are you lost little girl? Don't know how to get home?" If I weren't so shy and passive/aggressive, I would've told her, "No, you dumb c*nt. I'm getting away from this asshole that likes to sexually harrass me. Got a problem with that?"
While Kevin was a fellow geek *shudders* who was at the center of his own share of bullying, Jennifer was just a burnout looking to show off around her friends.
Thankfully Jennifer gave up. I think she ended up dropping out of school or something. Kevin, on the other hand, I ended up encountering during my time on the college newspaper. I'd heard from someone that he was saying something about me, and what I was like in high school. Of course, what he said wasn't exactly flattering, and I'd prefer to not go into detail, because it's still a bit of a sore spot for me.
Anyways, after hearing about this, I sat down and wrote a very angry letter to Kevin, basically telling him that I was sick of his bullshit, that I was sick of his bullying me, and that I wasn't going to let him bully me around anymore. Years later, a friend told me that the letter was published in the school paper - which I wouldn't have known, since I refused to read the paper while I was on the staff. If nothing else, he left me alone after that. I guess he wasn't expecting me to stand up for myself - even if it was in such a vitriolic way. Even if the assistant editor gave me a talking-to over taking that matter into my own hands instead of reporting it, it was worth it. Why should I have gotten the editors and/or the faculty sponsor involved, when this was a long-standing issue?
Since I'm discussing high school Hell, I guess I should come clean about how miserable I was back in those days...
Having been in several school districts in St. Louis due to my family's moving every few years, I went into high school very insecure and vulnerable. I wanted so badly to fit in, to make friends, everything else ... and in those attempts, completely lost myself.
If I hadn't been so fucked-up in the head, maybe I would've allowed myself to be a smart kid. Perhaps if they'd realized my potential, that I was truly one of the gifted kids, would things have been easier? Would school have been better for me?
No matter, I was just one of those in-the-blood wierdos. One of many classic underacheivers, being told "if only you'd work up to your potential...", or "if only you'd put some effort into it...", only to fall through the cracks, not realizing that I was an honest-to-God Smart Kid until years after the fact.
Friendships, when they came about, were so one-sided, I would've been better off with imaginary friends. There was no reciprocity, and unfortunately, I've gotten so used to that sort of thing, I think it still carries on to this day. I had very few "actual" friends, people that I could actually talk to and confide in. Everyone else was a superficial friend. Not that they were "truly" superficial, I just mean that they were friends, but only in the good times. When the sour times came around, they weren't there.
Unfortunately, that's been the case for me since high school. And rather than support one-sided friendships, I feel like I'd rather have few friends, if any, than have many fairweather friends.
You know, I signed up on classmates.com, and I'd love to get a paid membership, if only to tell people the truth about my experience in high school. (For some reason, you have to have a paid membership to write a "life story" or "school story") I'd LOVE to tell them that behind my few and far-between smiles, I was miserable. That I wasn't stuck-up, just scared to death. That I had so many times that I wanted to die, rather than face another day at school. That I spent almost 10 years living with mental illness before finally having it treated. That the reason I lost contact with them is because I fucking hated the school, and I fucking hated half of them.
To tell them the ugly truth. Not to give them some nice little shiny happy, sugar-coated version of reality.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-12-08 02:04 pm (UTC)While my high school days weren't horrific, they were still mundane and trivial. Most of my "friends" were catty, two-faced, egocentric, materialistic, soap-actor wannabees. It's been two years and I still get calls from them asking why we "don't hang out anymore." Um, because you haven't changed...at all! I was very lucky to meet a handful of people that marched to a beat of a different drum, that are still very good friends of mine to this day. I often think how different my life would have been had I not met them.
My prayers are with you that you put all of that behind you no matter how horrible it was. That the best revenge is living well and being happy.:)
-Jackie-
no subject
Date: 2002-12-08 09:09 pm (UTC)For all the horrible things that happen to us as children, I have never really regretted them. Sure, I wish I didn't have to go through them. But they are all a part of who I am now. They have all shaped my experience and brought me to who I am right now.
Even if it's from bad examples... I learned how not to treat people. And what real friends look like. I think it has only made me a stronger, better person. And friend.
I also have an inclination to give the big "fuck you" to everyone that picked on me. But in the end, it just doesn't matter to me anymore. I am happy (mostly) and comfortable with who I am. So in the end, it just doesn't matter.
*big hugs*