Sunday Night Sex Show - The Conclusion

[hiddenmuse]

When it comes to sex, some people exaggerate. Whether it's about measurements or experiences, there is some exaggeration involved. For me, it was the other way around. I didn't lie about the number of partners I'd had (at the time, 4) or my bra size (wouldn't you like to know?) - instead, I severely cut down my time celibate. If someone found out that I was celibate for a few years,they'd look at me like I was a circus freak. So, it was easier to say "oh, about 6 months" instead of "over 4 years". Besides, I came to realize that I didn't miss the sex. If I want to feel pleasure, that's what masturbation is for. What I truly missed was the feeling of closeness. The affection that preceded the act.

With my sexuality, I determined that I was best of saying that I was "sexual". It acknowledges the fluidity of my sexuality, and shows that I'm comfortable with my place in this world of sex as a sexual being, first and foremost. I may consider myself to be bisexual - but I prefer "sexual". No worries over the whole "hetero-", "homo-", "bi-" issue. It allows me to feel as though I'm more lesbian-inclined when involved with a woman, or more straight with a guy - even though I can be downright butch with a guy.

I've tried polyamory - but found that no matter how much you tell yourself that you won't get jealous, or if a partner tells you that s/he won't make you feel like you aren't as significant as the primary - there's still jealousy. You still feel like a 3d wheel. It may work beautifully for some - and that's great. But for me, it wasn't happening at all.


After being one month shy of 5 years celibate, the celibacy spell was broken. I am happy to say that it was with someone I love, and that I'm glad that I held out for a loving relationship before sex became a part of it. With Kellie, I was finally making love. We could be silly, serious, passionate, lusty - and it was all based on love. I could be vulnerable around her, and it wasn't discounted as being trivial when I'd be so overwhelmed by the incredible feelings of love and affection that I was in tears. (Poor woman must think that I'm an emotional trainwreck!!)

Did I expect to fall in love with a woman? No. Did I fight it? No. I went along with it, happily. I enjoy the fact that we're friends first - that our friendship is the most important aspect of the relationship. This is the first time that I've had an honest relationship based on friendship, where it's not sex-centered, where I can let my hair down and be myself without feeling like I should still hold up my guard and hide something.

And that, is me - the ugly truth and all. To think, it was all triggered by one comment in an interview. If you've read along, thanks for reading. If you've decided that you can't read me any longer because of what I've written - I'm sorry to hear it.


If you're wondering about the whole "Sunday Night Sex Show / Sue Johansen" thing, I can explain. Being an old lady at all of 29, I can't get myself to stay up until 3 a.m. to watch Jerry Springer (he used to come on at 11:30, then the show went to another network and comes on at 2 a.m.), I've found a new guilty pleasure. The "Sunday Night Sex Show with Sue Johansen" reruns on Oxygen Network at 10 p.m. (central time) The show is based in Canada, and Sue Johansen reminds me of someone's mother - only she talks about sexual matters more openly than most mothers. Besides, there's something almost funny in watching her waggling dildos around, putting those silly wooden dolls into various positions, and talking about the anal sex mantra (Patience, Communication, Lots of Lube). So, check her out sometime. :)


~*Fini*~

Comments

[therealsugshady.livejournal.com]

Amazingly real, honest and well-written! Fascinating, if I do say so myself!

the quicker I could get off, the better (from the first section) So true, so true! Someday I'll grow up, but right now... no thanks. :P

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)