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hiddenmuseDisclaimer: If you're uncomfortable with an open discussion about sex, you may want to bypass this entry. If you've stuck around - welcome to my happily twisted world. ;) And since this may prove to be lengthy, I'll do a cut text.
Bored online, I decided to go through the sites I have bookmarked as favorites - largely to make sure that they still exist - when I stumbled upon my bookmark for Come As You Are (a shop I refer to as Canada's version of Good Vibrations). Looking at their online newsletter, I'd found a link to the site: http://www.soapboxgirls.com, which has two awesome e-zines dedicated to Sex (July 2001) and Sexual Identity (July 2002). They also feature articles by one of my lj friends -![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rachelkb - who is an incredible writer, if I say so myself. :)
Anyways, in the July 2001 issue, there was an interview by Carly Milne with porn star Nina Hartley, and I absolutely loved this quote from the article:
"Women don’t feel like they’re allowed to be lustful; they can’t say, 'Yeah, you, me, broom closet! I’m horny! Five minutes — let’s go!' There’s a lot of social connotations that go along with that. It takes a lot of nerve for a woman to stand up and say, 'I’m going to be a sexual person'." - Nina Hartley, Universal Sex Goddess (my title for her)
She's nailed it perfectly. For me, growing up in a religious family, I'd never been taught much of anything about sex - except for the requisite Organ Recital at age 10 (which was a bit late, since I'd entered puberty at 8 years old), and having it nailed into my head that sex before marriage is a sin, and even thinking about sex was a bad bad thing. Masturbation was never discussed - except to say that it was a sin (and since only boys did it, that didn't apply to girls, because girls would never touch themselves *that way* ... down there. Necking and petting were sinful - but no one ever explicated on what they were exactly.
So, my friends and I were blissfully oblivious in matters of all things sexual. I remember being a young one, looking at my dad's collection of porno magazines stashed in the bathroom linen closet. It went beyond seeing barenaked ladies - in some of these magazines, there were barenaked men, and they were doing strange things to each other. (This is in the mind of a 6 or 7 year old) I don't think any of it was appealing to me sexually. I was largely curious, and simultaneously intrigued and disgusted by what I'd seen. I couldn't ask about what I'd seen - since they were supposed to be hidden away, obviously they were Bad Things.
A few years later, when I was about 12 or 13, I saw my best friend's father's porn stash. His collection was far more considerable than my dad's - and even included a Playgirl magazine or two. Around that time, I'd also found my mom's copy of Nancy Friday's Men In Love, and a book called The Sensuous Woman. Yes, I did sneak-read them both. When I'd go to visit my dad, he had cable, so one of my step-sisters and I would stay up really late on weekend nights and watch the very softcore porn on Cinemax (Skinimax).
I remember feeling like a little kid when friends talked about things like 'cum' and 'giving head' - I had no idea what the hell they were talking about. Having had a terrible experience with my first kiss (a few days shy of 11) where the boy (an older man of 14) practically shoved his tongue down my throat, I was repulsed by the very idea of french-kissing. Friends and peers were having sex in Grade 9 - or at the least, they were talking like they did. And I couldn't get past the disgust of my first real kiss.
So, I started sneak-reading the "minus books", as the local library had labeled books with a more mature theme (sex, violence, language). I eschewed romance novels, because they were too fake for my tastes. I wanted to read books that seemed to come within lying distance of being realistic, even if my attempts at erotica read like the formulaic dreck I avoided.
The friends that weren't having sex (yet) - yes, there were about 4 of us that didn't do it until after 16 ... or even waited until college - and I wrote erotic fanfic. Laugh if you will, but at 15 years old, there was something fun about writing stories about making out with Corey Haim or Sean Astin. Later, those stories became more sordid, with tales of having sex with a New Kid On The Block (Jordan and Joe being favorites in my circle). Of course, they did have our horribly fantastical and idyllic visions of sex, since we didn't know a thing of the reality of starfucking.
During that time, I think I was starting to become aware of my sexuality - beyond my solipsistic worldview. I was like most other girls, all hopped up over the teen magazines and their peddling teen celebrity skin to us. Unlike most other girls, I had been masturbating for years (but didn't know that there was a name for what I was doing or feeling until I was almost 17) - and I thought it was possible that I liked girls as well as boys.
When I became aware of the fact that what I was doing in the bathtub most nights was masturbating; that yes, my labia are fine and weren't the way they were because of my solo sex; and that what made me feel really good was an orgasm - I'd discovered that it was more fun to use my hands than the faucet. Even if it did take longer than 2 minutes. (*hangs head* yes, I was as bad as a teenaged boy - the quicker I could get off, the better)
My friends never talked about doing *that*, instead they kvetched about how repulsed they were by giving blowjobs to boyfriends that almost demanded them - or made them feel obligated to do it. So, I decided that I would be different from them, if I ever had sex. If anyone would ever even want to have sex with me - an incredibly awkward, socially inept fat girl....
~*To Be Continued*~
Bored online, I decided to go through the sites I have bookmarked as favorites - largely to make sure that they still exist - when I stumbled upon my bookmark for Come As You Are (a shop I refer to as Canada's version of Good Vibrations). Looking at their online newsletter, I'd found a link to the site: http://www.soapboxgirls.com, which has two awesome e-zines dedicated to Sex (July 2001) and Sexual Identity (July 2002). They also feature articles by one of my lj friends -
rachelkb - who is an incredible writer, if I say so myself. :)Anyways, in the July 2001 issue, there was an interview by Carly Milne with porn star Nina Hartley, and I absolutely loved this quote from the article:
"Women don’t feel like they’re allowed to be lustful; they can’t say, 'Yeah, you, me, broom closet! I’m horny! Five minutes — let’s go!' There’s a lot of social connotations that go along with that. It takes a lot of nerve for a woman to stand up and say, 'I’m going to be a sexual person'." - Nina Hartley, Universal Sex Goddess (my title for her)
She's nailed it perfectly. For me, growing up in a religious family, I'd never been taught much of anything about sex - except for the requisite Organ Recital at age 10 (which was a bit late, since I'd entered puberty at 8 years old), and having it nailed into my head that sex before marriage is a sin, and even thinking about sex was a bad bad thing. Masturbation was never discussed - except to say that it was a sin (and since only boys did it, that didn't apply to girls, because girls would never touch themselves *that way* ... down there. Necking and petting were sinful - but no one ever explicated on what they were exactly.
So, my friends and I were blissfully oblivious in matters of all things sexual. I remember being a young one, looking at my dad's collection of porno magazines stashed in the bathroom linen closet. It went beyond seeing barenaked ladies - in some of these magazines, there were barenaked men, and they were doing strange things to each other. (This is in the mind of a 6 or 7 year old) I don't think any of it was appealing to me sexually. I was largely curious, and simultaneously intrigued and disgusted by what I'd seen. I couldn't ask about what I'd seen - since they were supposed to be hidden away, obviously they were Bad Things.
A few years later, when I was about 12 or 13, I saw my best friend's father's porn stash. His collection was far more considerable than my dad's - and even included a Playgirl magazine or two. Around that time, I'd also found my mom's copy of Nancy Friday's Men In Love, and a book called The Sensuous Woman. Yes, I did sneak-read them both. When I'd go to visit my dad, he had cable, so one of my step-sisters and I would stay up really late on weekend nights and watch the very softcore porn on Cinemax (Skinimax).
I remember feeling like a little kid when friends talked about things like 'cum' and 'giving head' - I had no idea what the hell they were talking about. Having had a terrible experience with my first kiss (a few days shy of 11) where the boy (an older man of 14) practically shoved his tongue down my throat, I was repulsed by the very idea of french-kissing. Friends and peers were having sex in Grade 9 - or at the least, they were talking like they did. And I couldn't get past the disgust of my first real kiss.
So, I started sneak-reading the "minus books", as the local library had labeled books with a more mature theme (sex, violence, language). I eschewed romance novels, because they were too fake for my tastes. I wanted to read books that seemed to come within lying distance of being realistic, even if my attempts at erotica read like the formulaic dreck I avoided.
The friends that weren't having sex (yet) - yes, there were about 4 of us that didn't do it until after 16 ... or even waited until college - and I wrote erotic fanfic. Laugh if you will, but at 15 years old, there was something fun about writing stories about making out with Corey Haim or Sean Astin. Later, those stories became more sordid, with tales of having sex with a New Kid On The Block (Jordan and Joe being favorites in my circle). Of course, they did have our horribly fantastical and idyllic visions of sex, since we didn't know a thing of the reality of starfucking.
During that time, I think I was starting to become aware of my sexuality - beyond my solipsistic worldview. I was like most other girls, all hopped up over the teen magazines and their peddling teen celebrity skin to us. Unlike most other girls, I had been masturbating for years (but didn't know that there was a name for what I was doing or feeling until I was almost 17) - and I thought it was possible that I liked girls as well as boys.
When I became aware of the fact that what I was doing in the bathtub most nights was masturbating; that yes, my labia are fine and weren't the way they were because of my solo sex; and that what made me feel really good was an orgasm - I'd discovered that it was more fun to use my hands than the faucet. Even if it did take longer than 2 minutes. (*hangs head* yes, I was as bad as a teenaged boy - the quicker I could get off, the better)
My friends never talked about doing *that*, instead they kvetched about how repulsed they were by giving blowjobs to boyfriends that almost demanded them - or made them feel obligated to do it. So, I decided that I would be different from them, if I ever had sex. If anyone would ever even want to have sex with me - an incredibly awkward, socially inept fat girl....
