Confidence - a work in progress

[hiddenmuse]

When I was visiting my parents for Thanksgiving, my mom showed me a few pictures that Taylor had found. My senior pictures, and some other pictures that were at least 10 years old. I looked at the pictures, and all I could think of was the fact that I was so self-conscious and so uncomfortable in my skin in those days. I tried so hard to be someone other than myself, because I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself as I was - and I probably had no reason to be that way, either.

Yet, the funny thing is, the braces are off, I'm probably 50 pounds more than I was back in those days ... and I'm okay in my skin for once. It probably doesn't hurt that I'm not trying to be anyone besides myself, that I don't feel encumbered by the pressures of high school and that neverending popularity contest.


To consider: On Wednesday night, I was puttering around the kitchen in my family's house, making my dessert for Thanksgiving. I was in jeans, a t-shirt that says "I'm Grumpy" and shows Grumpy from the Seven Dwarfs, and my favorite apron from IKEA. I could've gone out to Walgreens for whatever reason in that exact outfit that night and thought nothing of it. Almost 15 years ago - oh hell no. I'd rather die of embarrassment than be seen in anything remotely mis-matched like that.


But I'm not so confident that I'm cocky about it. Far from it. I still have days that I feel self-conscious about my looks for whatever silly reason(s), but I think that happens to everyone. I still blush something awful when someone tells me that I'm pretty. So, I may have a sense of confidence, but I still have a sense of modesty - and they can't take that away from me.

Comments

[fatfeistyfemme.livejournal.com]

Isn't that an awesome feeling?? I love that I feel so much better about myself than I used to, even though nothing outward has changed. Congratulations to you for kicking the ass of societal pressure to be something other than we naturally are. Go you!

[ahiddensun.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel, although it comes and goes for me, and I feel so good to see it expressed. You did me good, too, in writing out how you felt. =) I am so happy for you.