Slow Motion Sickness
Sep. 8th, 2002 05:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hiddenmuseI feel like I'm comitting suicide - the very slow way. I'm working myself to death. And despite Kellie's well-intended worrying, I have to cancel my doctor's appointment for tomorrow, since my department is short-staffed until Wednesday. (Yes, that means another few days of Zantac & Tums for me.)
I'm one of those people that's very Type-A, All-Or-Nothing, full-on when it comes to work, life, relationships, whatever. And it's going to be the bane of my existence if I'm not careful. My biggest problem? I don't have the heart, guts, or nerve to tell someone that I can't do something. I don't know how to say no to people. I feel like if I do say no, I'd only serve to disappoint them, and therefore destroy my personal reputation (whatever that would be) by being falliable.
Now, I'm not going to sit here and say it's someone else's fault that I'm like this. It's entirely my fault. It's how I processed whatever messages I was given from whatever sources. People around me never saw it as a bad thing, they just saw it as my being determined and wanting to be good, to be acceptable and accepted. So, I kept at it, dealing with the simultaneous drive to be damn-near perfect and this side of me that reminds me that I'm not what I may have myself deluded into thinking I am.
When it all comes down, I wouldn't die from some long, drawn-out malady or in a sudden flash of light. I would end up dying by my own hand and mind - my own perverse drives and fucked-up mindset will do it for me, if I'm not careful.
Sometimes I scare the hell out of myself, and I don't know how to tell anyone this....
I'm one of those people that's very Type-A, All-Or-Nothing, full-on when it comes to work, life, relationships, whatever. And it's going to be the bane of my existence if I'm not careful. My biggest problem? I don't have the heart, guts, or nerve to tell someone that I can't do something. I don't know how to say no to people. I feel like if I do say no, I'd only serve to disappoint them, and therefore destroy my personal reputation (whatever that would be) by being falliable.
Now, I'm not going to sit here and say it's someone else's fault that I'm like this. It's entirely my fault. It's how I processed whatever messages I was given from whatever sources. People around me never saw it as a bad thing, they just saw it as my being determined and wanting to be good, to be acceptable and accepted. So, I kept at it, dealing with the simultaneous drive to be damn-near perfect and this side of me that reminds me that I'm not what I may have myself deluded into thinking I am.
When it all comes down, I wouldn't die from some long, drawn-out malady or in a sudden flash of light. I would end up dying by my own hand and mind - my own perverse drives and fucked-up mindset will do it for me, if I'm not careful.
Sometimes I scare the hell out of myself, and I don't know how to tell anyone this....
