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hiddenmuseAt my old job, I was complimented frequently, lauded for the good work that I was doing.
Yet, every night, I went home, afraid that I would be uncovered as a fraud - a fuck-up.
That I'd go into work one day, and that day would be my last day, for no real reason whatsoever.
My training was only adequate enough to get me licensed in the state of Missouri. After that, I was quite literally thrown into the fire, feet first, and expected to come out running.
I watched as my manager - someone that loved and supported her Personal Lines charges through so much - was let go as our manager, but re-assigned to another department in an attempt to get her to leave the agency.
I saw one co-worker develop serious physical problems due to stress, and another having to go back onto antidepressants for the same reason.
When my manager left the agency, a co-worker took a job in the commercial department of another agency. Another found a job closer to home.
Telling my family of this, I heard that "obviously things are fine, they still like you - they keep telling you how good you're doing. Your friends just wanted to find jobs closer to home."
They didn't want to hear that my friends wanted different jobs because they were sick of the bullshit.
Soon, I became the department. I was stressed and miserable, and the platitudes didn't help me. It wasn't being backed up with incentives in the paycheck - so when I was offered a "lateral move" (translation - we're disbanding your department, since you ARE the department, and rather than fire you, we'll keep you around with additional duties at your current rate of pay), I gave them my official resignation, telling them that I was moving to California.
Now, I may not be getting compliments and platitudes over my work - but here, I am not the department.
I'm not worried sick over whether or not I'll have a job the next day or week.
I don't worry that I'll be uncovered as a fraud - my training is certainly adequate, and I feel more confident talking to my clients.
I feel secure in my job.
I would rather have that, than some easily tossed-off platitude thrown in my direction, just to appease me, and keep me around until someone better comes around.
Yet, every night, I went home, afraid that I would be uncovered as a fraud - a fuck-up.
That I'd go into work one day, and that day would be my last day, for no real reason whatsoever.
My training was only adequate enough to get me licensed in the state of Missouri. After that, I was quite literally thrown into the fire, feet first, and expected to come out running.
I watched as my manager - someone that loved and supported her Personal Lines charges through so much - was let go as our manager, but re-assigned to another department in an attempt to get her to leave the agency.
I saw one co-worker develop serious physical problems due to stress, and another having to go back onto antidepressants for the same reason.
When my manager left the agency, a co-worker took a job in the commercial department of another agency. Another found a job closer to home.
Telling my family of this, I heard that "obviously things are fine, they still like you - they keep telling you how good you're doing. Your friends just wanted to find jobs closer to home."
They didn't want to hear that my friends wanted different jobs because they were sick of the bullshit.
Soon, I became the department. I was stressed and miserable, and the platitudes didn't help me. It wasn't being backed up with incentives in the paycheck - so when I was offered a "lateral move" (translation - we're disbanding your department, since you ARE the department, and rather than fire you, we'll keep you around with additional duties at your current rate of pay), I gave them my official resignation, telling them that I was moving to California.
Now, I may not be getting compliments and platitudes over my work - but here, I am not the department.
I'm not worried sick over whether or not I'll have a job the next day or week.
I don't worry that I'll be uncovered as a fraud - my training is certainly adequate, and I feel more confident talking to my clients.
I feel secure in my job.
I would rather have that, than some easily tossed-off platitude thrown in my direction, just to appease me, and keep me around until someone better comes around.
