Things Fall Apart - The Beginning

Going on vacation is one of the best things in the world. Coming home from said vacation, on the other hand, is the worst.

Immediately after getting off the plane, you almost feel as though you have to take on that yoke of responsibilities and troubles that you'd been able to shake off previously. You go from spending your time wandering aimlessly about Ikea, shopping in the Castro and Haight, and getting your kicks from watching Anime at midnight ... to dragging your heels as you realize that you're back in the real world again. Back to work and its multitudinous angst (more on that when I'm at home, my lovelies), back to the family and everything they're going through, back to eating Ramen and Udon noodles until the end of the month - and hoping that the kindness of bartenders and drunk friends will keep you in caffeine at the bars.

I did alright going home, although there were times that I wanted to cry, and didn't want to get on that plane in San Francisco, knowing full well what was lying ahead for me - for the most part. I kept myself occupied with CDs, magazines, writing letters I'd never send, and that somewhat dreckish "bistro meal" (read - sack lunch) from the airline.

When I got home, I just wanted to get something for dinner, read my e-mail, masturbate and go to bed. Instead, I got picked up, went to the hospital & saw my stepdad for about a minute (it was all I could honestly handle), heard mom say that my stepdad's on dialysis now, as his total kidney function is at 25% - which explains the pulmonary edema, because the biopsies were clear. Got something to eat, was dropped off at home before mom and sis went back to the hospital (stepdad was refusing a blood culture). Unpacked very little, if any. Ate dinner, checked e-mail, worked on putting together my Ikea lamp and hanging up my shower curtain. Talked to Kellie for a little while, then finally went to bed around midnight, only to oversleep and wake up at 7:30 a.m.

So, here I am at the office, and there's a few stories to tell about that. But, those will wait until later. For now, I'm going to pick up some Pad Thai for dinner, go home & do laundry, and maybe allow myself to actually cry for once today.

Things Fall Apart - The Middle

Usually when I'm going back to work post-vacation, it's hard to get back into Work Mode. Well, considering what I was met with upon arriving, I almost wanted to either go back to California - or just stay in bed all day.

Apparently there are "too many people" in the department, and they're working on phasing out one person's job (not mine, thankfully), and moving her into sales by the new year. It was a hell of a lot better than their original plan of just outright firing her - or, I mean, "downsizing" her. But still, after having a meeting with the High Muckety-Muck where he went over how it was all supposed to work out and such, I think everyone else that wasn't directly affected left the meeting questioning their loyalty to the agency. Like if this person could have her job eliminated, what about the rest of us? Where do we stand? Where do our jobs stand?

I spent the rest of the day feeling rather shaken up, wondering if I should work on polishing up my resumé and/or work on getting that 30 Day Plan readied. It just felt like a total mindfuck, like I was just floating through the rest of the day, really.

God, I wish it were Thursday. I'd be on my way to the Non Prophets show, laughing and forgetting about the bad things that have happened in the past day or so. I could focus on the good things, and laugh my ass off again. Maybe even get a hug from the Guy - for some reason, being around him and Kellie (at separate times, unfortunately), whatever is weighing on my mind manages to disappear for that time, and I'm happy. I'm at peace for once.

I'd love to bottle that feeling up and keep it with me all the time.