The Prodigal Daughter of the Prozac Nation

[hiddenmuse]

You know how I said that I wouldn't join an lj community for people suffering from depression because they can be so fucking depressing? Well, I've given in and joined depression and imstillhere, communities for depressives and general mental health discussion.

I can't keep doing this alone, as much as I'd love to just burrow myself into a hole somewhere and hide from it all. I need to keep getting help - and I really need to get back to my doctor & back on the meds. I need to tell the doctor that I hate the sexual side effects from the antidepressants - that may be part of the reason I keep going off the drugs, to be honest. That, and the fact that I'm such a cocky fuck ... getting better, then getting proud and going off my antidepressant du jour, only to feel like shit and have to go back on again. Of course, by the time I have to go back on, my body has acclimated to not being on the medication, the side effects are worse and/or wierder, and I go off again because I can't wait out the 4-6 weeks for the side effects to go away.

In other words, hello world, I'm a fuck-up. I'd rather let my pride get in the way of getting better, rather than admit that I'm having problems with the medications, or that I do the most idiotic thing possible by going off the meds once I start to feel better.

And that's what I've been doing lately - allowing pride to keep me from getting better, and allowing my depression to send me into a shame spiral of guilt, near-paranoia, excesses and other fun things.

Comments

[chicaboo25.livejournal.com]

Depression is awful. I suffer from it too. I just find it hard. I have tried coming off the pills but it just makes me feel so bad and paranoid and just fucked-up. So I am stuck on them at the moment. I am on 25mg which isn't that bad I suppose. I tried counselling but it didn't seem to help much really.

Recently I have started going to hypnotherapy and I must admit I am beginning to feel a lot better. I have only had four sessions and I have changed a lot I don't get mood swings as much. I relax so much. It's great.

Take care. *hugs*

[msboop.livejournal.com]

Hang in there, it does get better.

I spent the better part of my adulthood in depression, and didn't even know it. Once I got on the meds, it got better. I didn't think it was better because my thinking and chemicals had been so damaged by it all. I thought I was just under the medication and didn't care about anything anymore... so, a little of that depression was still hanging out in my head.

I don't know that it completely goes away, but I know it gets better. I've been off the meds for about 2 years now and am still doing alright.

On the subject of sexual side effects: My husband and I were both depressed, neither of us having any idea this was the case. His method of dealing with depression (though ineffective) was sexual acting out. He has recently gotten treatment (meds) for the depression, and has all but lost his desire. I, on the other hand, delt with some of my depression by denying others anything I had to offer, including sex, and I was absolutely NEVER in the mood. When I went on Paxil, I became a cock monster. Considering this area was one of the things affected by the depression, it was conversely affected by the correction of chemicals.. if that makes any sense.

Anyway, get back to the doctor woman! It's not forever, I'm sure of that.

~Kay

[hiddenmuse.livejournal.com]

You know, I had the exact same problem on Paxil. It made me hypomanic and damn-near insatiable, but I couldn't have an orgasm for anything. Such a catch-22 there.

Although, I don't think the co-worker I flashed while hopped up on Paxil would've minded - he was 16 and happy to see tits (I was 22 at the time). *evil grin*

[sabbysteg.livejournal.com]

I keep going on and off meds too. It sucks.

[virtualclarity.livejournal.com]

I was really not happy about going back on the drugs. I called up a friend who went back on hers over the summer after my advising her to do so for advice.

She asked me why I kept stopping, I told her it was a mixture of wanting more control/never wanting to be dependent on antidepressents.

She said "if you were a diabetic, would you be afraid to be dependent on insulin?"

...

*hug*

[prrrn.livejournal.com]

I saw your post in the depression community and thought I'd check out your journal. I too have lots of experience with meds and would love to be without them. I'm currently on Remeron and Seroquel for Depression. I just got off of Luvox, which was giving me headaches, and I would love to get off of Remeron which has made me gain 20 or so pounds. But to what? The last time I went off of meds altogether I ended up in the hospital six months later. It's pretty good motivation to stick with them... But I have lots of understanding of the urge to go off them... I think the lack of drugs which work and don't have unreasonable side effects is one of the worst parts of coping with Depression compared to other illnesses (besides the depression itself!) - that and the fact that even when I find meds that work, I haven't found one that gets rid of the depression all the way.

[magenta25.livejournal.com]

I don't think you're a fuck up for going off your meds when you start to feel better....almost everyone I know that's been on meds has stopped taking them because they felt better or the meds didn't work. Even when I worked in the MH field. Maybe you haven't found the right medication for you.