hiddenmuse (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hiddenmuse) wrote2003-05-31 04:27 pm
hiddenmuse) wrote2003-05-31 04:27 pm
Within Lying Distance of 30
I'm turning 30 this year - the end of July, to be exact. Two more months until the big 3-0. You know, it still hasn't hit me as badly as I've seen it hit others.
No big plans for the big day - I have to work on my birthday, so I may get to experience something I never did in high school: decorations on the big day. You know, I was jealous of friends and classmates that had their lockers decorated on their birthdays. It was like they were cool and loved and the center of attention for that day. Me, I was born on the last day of July. Even if/when I was in summer school, there was no locker decorating. Summer school only went 6 weeks, and even then, we didn't use lockers. So, I was left out of all the fun. This year, though, since my birthday is considered a milestone, I get the decorations and big to-do. I think the part of me that was envious of classmates will be happy. You know, the part of me that's a total attention whore. The other side of me, that wants to just hide away and be left the fuck alone, will want to crawl under the desk and take calls that way.
Anyways, reading an article about Evan Dando in the new Rolling Stone (yes, when I wasn't spazzing out over the VANS Warped Tour, I did read the rest of the 'zine), and reading him talking about being married and wanting to start a family ... God, that was such a startle. Took me back to when I was 19 and just got into the Lemonheads and Juliana Hatfield ... how I thought Evan was so cute in all his fucked-upness, how It's A Shame About Ray was one of the best tapes I'd gotten that year (1992), so on and so forth. Now, to read that he's married, and been clean and sober for a year now ... reminded me that I'm not as young as I was back then:
When I was 19, I thought I was so cool and so worldly.
I'd kissed a girl for the first time.
I actually liked some of the music the Sassy magazine writers raved on about, got into their "we're so cool it hurts" claptrap style, and therefore thought I was remotely cool, too.
I was the sort of just-out-there babydyke that now chafes me to no end - and for some reason, I still bristle at the thought that I was that way, so in-your-face and probably fucking annoying to everyone around me. Then, I realized that I liked boys too much to be a full-on dyke. Talk about a mindfuck...
The Gin Blossoms song "29" was just a song - its relevance didn't strike me until now, as I edge towards 30.
I was in college, muddling my way through, unsure of what I wanted to do - just doing whatever I thought others wanted me to do or be.
I thought I knew it all.
I was so wrong.
I was so naïve - had so much to learn.
There's no way you could get me to go back to high school - or college - not enough money in the world.
I may be getting older, but I have also managed to get wiser in time.
Rather than trying to conform to others' expectations, I've decided that this is me - and if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass.
I may be getting older - but it won't keep me down.
{edited beecuz I kin spel perfektlee ... ooops!}
No big plans for the big day - I have to work on my birthday, so I may get to experience something I never did in high school: decorations on the big day. You know, I was jealous of friends and classmates that had their lockers decorated on their birthdays. It was like they were cool and loved and the center of attention for that day. Me, I was born on the last day of July. Even if/when I was in summer school, there was no locker decorating. Summer school only went 6 weeks, and even then, we didn't use lockers. So, I was left out of all the fun. This year, though, since my birthday is considered a milestone, I get the decorations and big to-do. I think the part of me that was envious of classmates will be happy. You know, the part of me that's a total attention whore. The other side of me, that wants to just hide away and be left the fuck alone, will want to crawl under the desk and take calls that way.
Anyways, reading an article about Evan Dando in the new Rolling Stone (yes, when I wasn't spazzing out over the VANS Warped Tour, I did read the rest of the 'zine), and reading him talking about being married and wanting to start a family ... God, that was such a startle. Took me back to when I was 19 and just got into the Lemonheads and Juliana Hatfield ... how I thought Evan was so cute in all his fucked-upness, how It's A Shame About Ray was one of the best tapes I'd gotten that year (1992), so on and so forth. Now, to read that he's married, and been clean and sober for a year now ... reminded me that I'm not as young as I was back then:
When I was 19, I thought I was so cool and so worldly.
I'd kissed a girl for the first time.
I actually liked some of the music the Sassy magazine writers raved on about, got into their "we're so cool it hurts" claptrap style, and therefore thought I was remotely cool, too.
I was the sort of just-out-there babydyke that now chafes me to no end - and for some reason, I still bristle at the thought that I was that way, so in-your-face and probably fucking annoying to everyone around me. Then, I realized that I liked boys too much to be a full-on dyke. Talk about a mindfuck...
The Gin Blossoms song "29" was just a song - its relevance didn't strike me until now, as I edge towards 30.
I was in college, muddling my way through, unsure of what I wanted to do - just doing whatever I thought others wanted me to do or be.
I thought I knew it all.
I was so wrong.
I was so naïve - had so much to learn.
There's no way you could get me to go back to high school - or college - not enough money in the world.
I may be getting older, but I have also managed to get wiser in time.
Rather than trying to conform to others' expectations, I've decided that this is me - and if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass.
I may be getting older - but it won't keep me down.
{edited beecuz I kin spel perfektlee ... ooops!}
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*grins*